Appreciation
 
I've been teaching now for over 15 years & still haven't found a way to prepare for the last day of the school year.

The first day of school always begins with anxiety & nervousness as each student & myself, find their place in our little world of the classroom.

We share that world together for the next 9 months. I laugh, cry & eventually celebrate the success as students progress. But the same emotions of joy & sadness flow as I say good-bye on the last day of school.

It's like saying farewell to family that I may never see again. I always manage to keep a smile until the last student leaves. Then I sit & let the tears flow as I look over the gifts left on my desk by departing students.

After all those days of wondering if I've made a difference, I look at the cards. You're the best teacher ever. I love you, I read as I quietly reach for the almost empty box of tissue.

Learning to appreciate what we have in our lives instead of complaining about what we don't have, is a positive step in changing the focus of our lives.

If all we do is look at the negative, it's difficult to see anything positive.

The Magic of Appreciation

By Joyce & Barry Vissell

Appreciation is one of the cornerstones of a fulfilling relationship with a lover, parent, child or friend. You already know this, but it’s our job to keep reminding you about the power of verbally pointing out beauty & strength in someone you love.

It’s a way to bring more depth to a solid relationship, healing to a wounded relationship or renewal to a tired or stifled relationship.

Here are appreciation practices for both individuals & couples. Joyce & I believe these practices have benefited all our relationships, especially our own partnership.

For Individuals: Close your eyes. Breathe deeply to relax your body. Breathe into & out of every part of your body, not just your lungs.

When you feel settled down, bring in front of you a relationship you wish to heal or enhance.

Visualize this person sitting before you. Remember a special time of closeness with him or her, an experience you shared that allowed you to see this person’s soul more clearly.

Perhaps it was in the beginning of your relationship; perhaps later on. Try to especially remember the feelings of closeness you shared. What qualities about him or her endeared you to them the most. What was it about this person that attracted you to them. Take enough time to feel these things.

Now, realize these same qualities are present just as strongly as ever. It’s just that you have let them drift from your view. Look more deeply at this person’s image in front of you. Notice these beautiful qualities coming to the surface once again, almost as if the image was previously out of focus & now you can see more clearly. This is a remarkable being in front of you, filled with power, beauty & love. See & feel this for as long as you can.

As you can see this in your visualization & feel this in your feelings, you’ll more easily see & feel the same beauty with your outer eyes & senses. Let this inner practice give you the courage to now give one of the highest gifts we ever give in our relationships.

Find a time to share your appreciation w/words. Create a receptive atmosphere for your partner or w/whomever you focused on in the practice & let them know what you most appreciate about them. Give this as a gift to them, to you & to the relationship.

For Couples: Sit facing one another w/your eyes closed. As w/the first practice, quiet your mind thru breathing deeply or thru any other method you prefer.

When you’re ready, open your eyes & look silently into your partner’s eyes. Look past your partner’s face & personality, thru their eyes, the windows of the soul.

What is it about this being in front of you that touches your heart most? What qualities attracted you to this person in the first place & allowed you to rise in love? What gifts are you receiving from this friend? How is your life being blessed by this relationship?

Let these questions get you in touch w/your deepest feelings of love & appreciation.

Whichever one of you is ready to begin can now put these thoughts & feelings into words. Let the words flow from you unrehearsed & spontaneous. Be courageous in your vulnerability. Let your “inner poet” speak w/out inhibition. Practice expressing thoughts & feelings about your partner that you’ve never expressed before.

Take turns speaking & watch the doors of your heart fling open.

Practice both the inner & the outer exercises as often as possible. Together, in a balanced way, they will bless & enrich your relationships.

Did you know that when you praise your children, you're actually modeling how to notice & express appreciation? Your praise actually encourages them to be pleasant to others.

When you praise your children for certain successes & not for others, you're teaching them what's most important to you; i.e., praising your child for accomplishments earned in athletics while ignoring academic achievements says a lot about what you value in your child.

In today's consumer-oriented society, kids absorb a barrage of messages that scream, "Material possessions determine self-worth!" If your children believe that, then it's important to negate that message w/your own - less materialistic - beliefs.

First & foremost, tell your children you love them for who they are. Then teach your children to recognize how the media's messages can sometimes be manipulative.

Advertisers are skilled at the art of making people, young & old, believe a particular product or certain look will bring love, happiness & joy. Ultimately, true contentment can't be found in things & your children need to hear that.

Teach your children to have a healthy skepticism toward advertising & media by showing them the difference between wants & needs. By doing this, your children will become better consumers & more grounded individuals.

As parents, it's often easier to criticize & identify the faulty logic used by advertisers than it is to recognize our own communication breakdowns.

If you want your children to learn the art of appreciation by valuing that which is truly important, then be generous with your praise & steadfast in your beliefs.

Appreciation: The Elixir of Life

Oh, it’s fine to have a ‘Mother’s Day’ for the nation to celebrate. It makes greeting card companies prosperous & helps restaurants to ‘break even’. But, do you think an overworked, frustrated & distraught woman wants to wait a whole year before she is appreciated again? Is once a year enough?

Maybe we should be willing to wait a year for our next meal & clean underwear. Is a year too long to wait for a haircut or a paycheck? Some things are necessary on a regular basis & appreciation is one of them.

Sure, that’s just a funny story, but it hits awful close to home for some of us.

When people want to give up & quit, a kind word can make them toil on w/out complaining. An expression of appreciation is a strong motivator. It gives some employees the will to work harder, longer & more willingly. (Even w/out the pay raise.)

Love & appreciation can sometimes dissolve the destructive thoughts of suicide & thus save a precious life. Life has to seem worth living if a person is going to hang on in the midst of loss, pain, tiredness & depression.

We can give people that "will to live" simply by expressing our gratitude.

Teenagers have caused parents grief since the beginning of time. They may think, say & do a thousand things that you can’t appreciate, but the day after they're gone you quickly remember all the good things you forgot to appreciate while they were alive.

Underneath the exterior of every "difficult" person, there is a soul in need & a heart capable of love. If we only knew how to reach deep enough, we could find the good that resides in others & thus increase the measure of goodness that dwells in us.

It’s true - some people don’t do much to deserve appreciation. That’s when it becomes necessary to ‘prime the pump’. By giving the pump a "little bit" of water first, it's able to bring a whole lot back to you. Just Give a little, get a lot. Just Sometimes, it’s wise to offer people undeserved kindness.

In appreciation for your ‘mercy favors’, they may kick in & begin rewarding you in some meaningful way. Then again, they may not. That’s just a risk we have to take. But, what goes around usually comes around & these words may be the very thing that will shake them up & make them realize how insensitive they've been toward you & your needs.

I once met a college professor in a public meeting which was open to discussion. He had a rough exterior - a sandpaper personality & was disliked by many of his students.

On that particular day he was like a skunk at a picnic. I could sense the rejection & defensiveness which these guys were feeling toward him. It was my first time to meet any of them, but I dared to take up for the man & befriend him.

During break time, he purposely approached me & thanked me profusely. He has continued to show his appreciation in many ways over the years.

One man sat in the office of the marriage counselor, silently listening to his wife’s accusations. The counselor turned to him & said, "Sir, your wife says that in the 20 years you’ve been married, you've never told her you loved her."

The man sat upright & declared, "That’s not true at all. On the day we were married I told her I loved her & if that ever changes, I’ll let her know."

Porcupine personalities are often greatly misunderstood. Automatic reactions to them are usually the wrong reactions. But, they crave that which they can't measure out themselves. A wise person will find a way past the quills & bring out the best in them.

It’s true, some people aren’t appreciated because they haven’t done much to create appreciation. I often challenge those kinds of people to think up a dozen little things they can do to create appreciation in others.

One man was on the verge of losing his wife. A friend of mine brought him to see me. I had asked that the wife come with him, but they said she wouldn’t do it. In fact, as they started to drive away from the house, she came out & tried to stop her husband from coming to see me.

She lost it & started banging on the windshield as they pulled away.

When they told me this, I sat & stared at the guy for the longest time. I didn’t want to waste my time on a lost cause. What did they think I was, a miracle worker?

I was stumped. I knew if I was to do any good I'd have to work on the other end of the problem. My first job was to listen to her side of the story.

I finally told the man, "If you'll do exactly what I tell you to do, your wife will come see me."

He looked skeptical. I pulled out a $20.00 dollar bill & handed it to him, saying, "If it doesn’t work, you can keep the twenty dollars."

I told him to make a list of everything his wife had ever wanted him to do or not do in the kitchen, in the bathroom, in the living room, in the bedroom, in the garage & out in the yard.

He wasn't to tell her anything about his meeting w/me that night, but instead, he was to go home & voluntarily start doing the things that would please her in all those areas of their lives.

I promised him that before 30 days had gone by, she'd be wanting to meet the man who had caused such a change in her husband!

In less than 3 weeks, I got a call from the man. He said, "My wife wants to see you."

What had I done? Nothing really. I had merely told him how to make the lady appreciate him. People stay w/those they appreciate.

Kill the appreciation & you kill the marriage. I recently talked w/a jealous husband who sadistically accused his wife of things that she wasn't doing. He even said, "he knew she wasn’t guilty of those things", but he made the accusations anyway.

Do people appreciate being accused wrongfully? Do they appreciate being hollered at, cussed out & put down?

Many a woman has dumped her man because he never seemed to appreciate anything about her & that causes her to quit appreciating anything about him. That’s a shame because it doesn’t have to happen that way.

When I counsel w/guys, I let them rant & rave about their wives for a while, then I ask them what they can do to improve the marriage. They tell me 1 or 2 things, then I ask them, "If your wife was making this list - what would she put down?"

Man, that’s a whole different ballgame! They begin to look at themselves thru their wife’s eyes. That’s when the other side of the truth comes out. And I tell them, "If you want to get her back or if you want to get her off your back, just start eliminating those things on her list.

Give her less & less opportunities to be offended in you. Take away some of her ammunition against you. Give her some reason to appreciate you - on a daily basis.

I ask them, "Are your socks really too heavy to pick up & put in the clothes hamper? Is that too much to ask of a man? Should we put you thru an exercise program first so you can be able to handle that burden?"

Sure, I get a bit sarcastic, but I drive the point home. It’s the little things in life that create big decisions & life changing events.

Alcoholism often causes a divorce & creates disaster for the kids & the family. But, just because a man can’t quit drinking doesn’t mean he can’t be nice, considerate & kind when he’s not on a binge.

Maybe he can’t quit drinking, but that’s no reason to abandon all the other things that he can do.

He can take out the garbage, mow the lawn & do 6 other unselfish errands. He can apologize & work harder in other areas to make up for the one weakness he can’t control. Even a thorn bush is appreciated if it takes time to grow a rose in between the thorns.