Admiration

We don't grow up until we look up to others

Do you enjoy being admired? Of course you do. We all do. After all, we have an innate desire to be admired. We want to be respected & held in high regard.

Since we all feel that way, my statement comes as no surprise. However, what we may overlook is that we have an equally strong desire to admire & respect others. How can we have such a desire & be unaware of it?

Well, before we can love, appreciate & admire others, we have to love, appreciate & admire ourselves. But how can those who were brought up with constant criticism admire themselves?

For they feel defective. If they're constantly criticized, something must be wrong with them, they reason. If they're not held in esteem by others, how can they have self-esteem?

And because they don't admire themselves, they don't learn how to admire others.

The admiration of others is a mark of maturity. When we're free of emotional baggage & in control of our lives, we come to accept, appreciate & admire others.

That's what I mean by saying, "We don't grow up until we look up to someone."

But for those raised in a society, such as ours, where a preponderance of energy is spent berating, ridiculing & criticizing others, it becomes increasingly difficult to learn the gentle art of admiration for others.

Witness the late night comics that demean the highest office in the land. Witness the tabloids that proudly announce the latest scandal. Witness, too, radio talk show hosts & clerics that spew venom at those who disagree with them. If we're raised in mud, how can we avoid being covered in mud?

Yet, if a gold chalice were buried in mud for hundreds of years, it would remain gold. Merely removing it from the mud & rinsing it off will restore it to its former beauty. We're no different. If we wash the mud out of our eyes, we'd be able to see the beauty that surrounds us.

Everyone we meet is like a snowflake, uniquely different from any other person. True, those we meet may be covered in mud, but there is gold beneath it. And every time we say a kind word to them, a spot of mud dries & falls to the ground, revealing glittering gold.

Why should we want to cultivate the art of admiration of others? What better reason than to grow. We learn about ourselves when we learn who & what we admire.

Admiration is a stepping stone. It raises us to a higher level. Here 's what Thomas Mann (1875 ~ 1955) had to say about it,

"I have always been an admirer. I regard the gift of admiration as indispensable if one is to amount to something; I don't know where I would be without it."

Morihei Ueshiba (1883 ~ 1969) was one of the world's greatest martial artists, as well as a Japanese philosopher. He pointed out that besides admiring others, we are to admire life itself. For everything has something to teach us.

In his book, "The Art of Peace," he writes, "Contemplate the workings of this world, listen to the words of the wise & take all that is good as your own.

With this as your base, open your own door to truth. Don't overlook the truth that is right before you. Study how water flows in a valley stream, smoothly & freely between the rocks. Also learn from the holy books & wise people. Everything - even mountains, rivers, plants & trees - should be your teacher."

Admiring others doesn't mean holding in awe the rich & powerful. Rather, it means holding in reverence the benevolent, the peacemaker & the compassionate. For when we admire those who uplift society, we uplift ourselves. What we admire shapes us. What we detest entraps us.

We need to ask ourselves, "Do I want to be molded by my admirations or my resentments? When we accept, appreciate & admire others, welcoming them into our lives, they touch us & help make us what we are.

When we embrace others, we embrace life.

Besides being a valuable teacher, admiration is a source of happiness. For what is admiration but delight in what is? It's appreciation & gratitude for what is. A grateful heart is full of joy, while an ungrateful one is full of bitterness.

Isn't the dreariness, dissatisfaction & depression that hangs over much of society nothing more than a failure to admire the world & our fellow travelers? Those who say, "What is there to admire?" still have mud in their eyes. We all can find much to admire if we look for it.

When we accept life we grow to appreciate it, then admire it, later revere it & finally venerate it. An accepting heart blooms into a heart of love. And it is love that brings clarity of vision, which allows us to penetrate into the hearts of others.

It dispels the clouds of prejudice & narrow-mindedness & allows us to learn from others. True admiration, then, isn't about holding some people, special people, in high regard. Instead, it's about holding everyone in esteem. For when we look into the eyes of another, we behold our own reflection.

Those of us who are parents must exercise vigilance, for the circle of admiration begins at home. When we hold our children in high regard, they learn that they're worthy of admiration & begin to admire others. They then start to reap all the rewards that follow.

Remember, too, that all the criticism that permeates society is nothing more than cries for help. People want to be recognized & admired & lash out at others because they themselves feel deprived.

So much so that Saint Thomas Aquinas taught that withholding compliments & encouragement is a sin because it withholds food for the hungry. Feed the hungry that cry at your doorstep by accepting, appreciating & admiring them.

When you soothe their hunger & quench their thirst, you'll nourish your own soul & spirit.

Another caveat: what we take for granted, we don't hold in high regard. Who is there more worthy of admiration than your own spouse?

Don't take him or her for granted. I can honestly say that my admiration for my wife of 40 years has never stopped growing. Not that this is particularly remarkable, for never ending admiration is the natural consequence of awareness.

You can never admire what you are unaware of. So, wipe the mud from your eyes, if there is any & stay attuned to life, always looking for good & you'll never be disappointed.

© Chuck Gallozzi, gallozzi@interlog.com

"Between flattery & admiration there often flows a river of contempt."

Minna Thomas Antrim

"The best emotions to write out
of are anger & fear or dread. . . .
The least energizing emotion to write
out of is admiration . . . because the
basic feeling that goes with admiration
is a passive contemplative mood."

Susan Sontag

Remember the Good Times

To stay motivated thru tough times, think back to your courtship. What first attracted you to your spouse?

Now look to see those qualities in your spouse. The more you pay attention to glimmers of positive feelings, the more positive feelings you'll have.

Compliment Generously

We feel closest to people who make us feel good about ourselves. If you say & do things that build up your partner & avoid things that make him/her feel worse - your relationship will improve.

Of course, when your marriage is stressed, complimenting your spouse may be the last thing you feel like doing. It's much easier to think of all the things he's doing wrong.

Remember: People don't change because they're criticized. They change when warmth & goodwill motivate them to please their spouse... or to make their spouses happier.

Train yourself to notice the things you admire about your spouse - no matter how small. Then tell your spouse.

If this still seems difficult, think about how parents behave. They may be frustrated or disappointed with their kids - but they still find ways to acknowledge their good qualities. Adults need this as much as children.

Don't fake admiration. Compliment your spouse on things you admire.

Examples: I was really impressed with the way you negotiated our lease... That was a delicious meal - you're a great cook.

Warm Your Partner's Heart

Early in your relationship, you probably made a point of learning what actions made your partner feel cared for - & you did them. When a marriage is under stress, spouses stop making these loving gestures... & resentment grows.

Look for opportunities to do special things for your partner.

Examples: Make your spouse a morning cup of tea... offer to watch the kids so your spouse can spend an evening w/friends.

Praise Small Changes

Your partner may take a while to notice that you're acting differently -- & even longer to respond with loving gestures of his own.

Be patient. Try to notice any small steps in the right direction. Praising these improvements will encourage your spouse to continue making them.

Example: A wife was upset that her husband was always late for dinner. As she made changes to make the relationship more affectionate, he continued to come home late - but started calling to tell her. She thanked him when he called ahead, resisting the urge to add, "I wish you would come home on time." Within a few weeks, he began to arrive at dinnertime.

Don't Put off Sex

Many couples avoid sex when they're having marriage problems because they feel emotionally distant. Yet sex can help couples feel closer.

If you're not in the mood, make love anyway. Don't think of it as something you're doing for the marriage... but as something that will make you feel good.

Positive Anger

All this talk about positive communication doesn't mean that you should bury what bothers you. But express complaints in a constructive way.

Raise your complaint when you're not feeling angry about it. This will help you keep your tone calm & prevent a nasty fight.

Start with something positive. Your partner is more likely to listen if you acknowledge what he is doing right.

Keep it short. Don't say more than a sentence or two before giving your partner a chance to respond. If you spend a lot of time detailing your point of view, your partner is likely to feel that you're lecturing - & will stop listening.

Don't use past hurts to illustrate your gripe. Your spouse will feel that he can never stop paying for what went wrong in the past. Keep examples current.

Avoid your partner's alarm buttons. Words like "abusive" are overused & offensive. So are psychological interpretations such as, You're overreacting because your mother is so controlling.

Listen nondefensively. Instead of rebutting what your partner says, search for some small part w/which you agree.

Example: Your partner says, The minute you walk in the house, you're grumpy. All you do is criticize me.

Ineffective response: That's not true. Two days ago, I sat down & had a drink w/you. Don't you remember?

Better: I do feel tense when I come home.

Nondefensive listeningstops an argument quickly... so you can work on a solution together.

Men & Admiration in the Workplace

admiration & likeability