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welcome! to emotional feelings!
after looking things over here at emotional feelings,
try out "the layer down under," (part of the emotional feelings network of sites) & read a special "i
just gotta say it" column concerning porn addiction by clicking here! Be sure to scroll down towards the bottom of the right hand column to find it!
another important suggestion... visit
this homepage to learn more about the features included within the emotional feelings network of
sites!
I was personally very touched by this inspiring story as I watched it on
television last night (2/27/07); especially after I experienced a life altering injury which took me 2 years to recover from.
What I want to ask you is...
If you can't help out with the helmets, below for our military men, can
you volunteer or help our returning soldiers who are recovering with extreme traumatic brain injury?
Here are some links!
Check them out, I know that my family will be searching for a way we can help!
Remember that those with traumatic or extreme physical injuries most often develop problems with their mental health!
What is Operation Helmet?
Founded in 2003 by Dr. Robert H. Meaders whose grandson is an active duty Marine in Iraq, Operation Helmet is a nonpartisan 501(c)(3) organization dedicated
to providing safer helmet pad upgrade kits to the troops in Iraq & Afghanistan.
To date, more than 6,000 kits have been shipped to the troops in the field.
 
How this site works best for you!
You'll
notice that there are many underlined link words in each article below. The reason for this is that you have reached not only, "emotional
feelings, the home site," but the emotional feelings network of sites. There are
many sites included within the network that'll be visited by clicking on these underlined link words.
If you can't find what you came
here looking for, visit the homepage for the emotional feelings network of sites by clicking above & read the options on
the homepage for the networks index of sites. Try to be specific when looking for an emotion or feeling word & click on the site you need!
It's very simple & very
interesting to follow your way thru the layers of your buried or stuffed emotions & feelings that have accumulated throughout the years!
when you've reached this point, or this website, you know you're making
progress!!!! this part gets difficult because now is the time to look within & become emotionally honest with yourself!!!
Best of luck & if you're
still stuck, send me an e-mail anytime, by clicking
here & I'll be glad to send you an immediate personal response!
Sincerely,
Kathleen
Pay attention to me
I need your attention unconditionally - sorry, can't help it. I need you to show interest
in me. I will try to do things that are pleasing to you to get your attention. However, if that doesn't work, I won't hesitate
to be annoying, obnoxious, provocative, unlawful, destructive, sick, depressed, or self-destructive. I will get your
attention one way or another.
Paying
close attention to your partner is a curious behavior. Curious because the need for it is so profound & the giving
of it is sometimes difficult.
As social animals, humans
must get supportive recognition to feel valued. The basic unit of recognition is attention. It involves eye contact, listening, verbal exchange & ideally - some affirmation.
Our earliest experience with
attention is in infancy. Our mothers’ attentive
gaze, cuddling, human warmth, sweet sounds & feeding conditioned us to associate attention
with survival.
It also affirmed our worth to be loved unconditionally. Those are the yearnings of all human beings. Though w/time our expectations for love may be altered, the necessity of being listened to stays constant as a basic measure of our significance.
Parents get furious when their
children don't listen to them. "How many times to I have to tell you to do this?" "Why are you not listening to me?" Teachers frown upon students who speak in class, are distracted & don't pay attention.
Employers will rate poorly employees who have to be instructed repeatedly & don't seem to be attentive
enough to their supervisors.
These authority figures expect attention as evidence of respect for their knowledge, seniority & wisdom. When they don't receive it, authority figures feel discounted & angry.
Since partners in love relationship are equal, the need for attention springs from the desire to feel loved & valued. Mates also get angry when they feel ignored. Not being responded to, listened to, or acknowledged, feels painful. It's as though the partner isn't valued enough to be acknowledged.
"She never listens to me." "I talk to him & he doesn’t even look at me, he keeps reading the paper & ignores me, I feel infuriated." The indignancy is about not mattering enough to be graced with minimal attention. The anger that ensues masks the fear of isolation that feels life threatening.
The content of the discourse
is immaterial. Some people just chatter to have a listening audience. The message may be insignificant in & of itself. Older people & children tell stories, adults do the same, albeit, in a less obvious manner. "I'm
thinking of something important I had to tell you, but I can’t think of what it was". This is an example of a sentence that serves only to hold the attention
of another for a few seconds longer. It's often said at a time of parting, at the anticipation of loss of connection & attention.
In couple relationship the
loss of attention creates anger that covers the fear of not being loved. A common punishment of partners is the state of severed attention. After fights, some
people cease to look at or speak to their partners. The "silent treatment", actually feels like solitary confinement, where no attention, not even negative one is available.
Isolation is the harshest punishment in our culture. Being shunned by a community not responded to or ignored is a harsh deterrent. Acting out prisoners are secluded from others w/no human contact as punishment for grave misconduct.
If being ignored is so painful, why would loving partners be inattentive to their mates? Why would they stop talking, stonewall (not respond) or refrain from any comment for long periods? There are many reasons for this conduct: punishment,
the need to re-group after being wounded, fearing escalation of hostility, being at a loss for words, feeling overwhelmed by emotions, to name a few. With time, the emotions subside & the connection between the partners is gradually restored. Attention is renewed & homeostasis
re-occurs.
Some partners complain that
their mates are "too needy of attention." It's hard for the giving partners to provide sufficient concentration & positive comments to satisfy their "needy" counterparts. "She talks & talks all day, I simply can't stay tuned for that long" "He is so wrapped
up w/himself that he's never available to listen to me." This couple presents an exaggerated view of each other’s behavior. They also help each other get further entrenched
in their position. She will not reduce her demands for his attention,
until he responds to her. He will not respond until the demand is moderated.
Both parties in this scenario
end up feeling unattended to. Their extreme posture deprives them of an authentic connection. Attention can only be given willingly. It can't be coerced. The best way is for each partner to offer his or her availability by stating their willingness to listen & elicit questions to be responded to lovingly.
To become more attentive to
your partner:
- Realize that attention
seeking is normal & attention giving is an expression
of respect & love.
- The content of the message isn't important, the speaker is. Help him or her know it.
- Fights may occur more often when one or both partners lack
sufficient positive attention.
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very important additional resources
The
Policy of Undivided Attention
Before you were
married, you & your spouse probably spent the majority of your leisure time together.
And the
time you spent together was probably the most enjoyable part of every
day. Spending time alone with each other was your highest priority & you may even have canceled other plans when you had an opportunity to be together.
You probably
tried to talk to each other every day. If you couldn't physically be with each other, you talked on the telephone, sometimes
for hours. And when you were together, you gave each other your undivided attention.
But after marriage,
like so many other couples, you probably find that you can be in the same room together & yet ignore each other emotionally.
What's
even worse, you may find that you're not even in the same room together as much as you had expected to be, particularly after your children arrived.
One of the more
difficult aspects of marriage counseling is scheduling time for it. The counselor must often work evenings & weekends because most couples will not give up work
for their appointments.
Then the
counselor must schedule around a host of evening & weekend activities that take a husband & wife in opposite directions.
But finding
time for an appointment is easy compared to arranging time for the couple to be together to carry out their first assignment.
Many couples think that a counselor will solve their problem with weekly conversations in his office.
It doesn't
occur to them that it's what they do after they leave the office that saves the marriage. To accomplish anything, they must schedule time together - time to give each other their undivided
attention.
It's incredible
how many couples have tried to talk me out of their spending more time together. They begin by trying to convince me that
it's impossible. Then they go on to the argument that it's impractical.
But in
the end, they usually agree that without time for undivided attention, they can't re-create
the love they once had for each other. And that's the point. Unless you & your
spouse schedule time each week for undivided attention, it'll be impossible to meet each other's most important emotional needs. So to help you & your spouse clear space in your schedule for each other, I encourage you to follow.
The Policy of
Undivided Attention:
Give your spouse
your undivided attention a minimum of 15 hours each week, using the time to meet his or
her most important emotional needs.
This policy will help you
avoid one of the most common mistakes -- neglecting each other after marriage. I've tried to clarify this policy for you by offering 3 corollaries:
- Privacy
- Objectives
- Amount
Privacy
The time
you plan to be together shouldn't include children (who're awake), relatives or friends.
Establish privacy so that you're better able to give each other your undivided attention.
It's essential
for you as a couple spend time alone. When you have time alone, you have a much greater opportunity to make Love Bank deposits. Without privacy, undivided attention is almost impossible & w/out undivided attention,
you're not likely to meet some of each other's most important emotional needs.
First, I recommend
that you learn to be together w/out your children. I'm amazed at how difficult this is for couples,
especially when the children are very young. Many couples don't think that children interfere w/their privacy. To them, an evening w/their children is privacy.
Of course,
they know they can't make love w/children around. But I believe that the presence of children prevents much more than lovemaking.
When children
are present, they interfere w/affection & intimate conversation that are crucial needs in marriage. Besides, affection & intimate conversation usually lead to lovemaking & w/out them, you'll find
that your lovemaking suffers.
Second,
I recommend that friends & relatives not be present during your time together. This may mean
that after everything has been scheduled, there's little time left for friends & relatives.
If that's the
case, you're too busy, but at least you'll not be sacrificing your love for each other.
Third,
I recommend that you understand what giving undivided attention means. It's what you did
when you were dating. You probably wouldn't have married if you had ignored each other on dates.
You may
have parked your car somewhere just to be completely alone & to rid yourselves of all distractions. That's the quality of undivided
attention I'm referring to here.
When you see
a movie together, the time you're watching it doesn't count toward your time for undivided attention
(unless you behave like the couple who sat in front of my wife & me last week!). It's
the same w/television & sporting events.
You should
engage in these recreational activities together, but the time I want you to commit yourselves is very clearly defined -- it's the time you pay close attention
to each other.
Now that
you're alone w/each other, what should you do w/this time?
The second corollary
answers that question.
Objectives
During
the time you're together, create activities that will meet the emotional needs of:
Romance for
most men is sex & recreation; for most women it's affection & conversation. When all 4 come together, men & women alike call it romance & they
deposit the most love units possible. That makes these categories somewhat inseparable whenever you spend time together.
My advice is to try to combine them all.
After marriage,
women often try to get their husband to meet their emotional needs for conversation & affection, w/out meeting their husband's needs for sex & recreational companionship.
Men, on the
other hand, want their wife to meet their needs for sex fulfillment & recreational companionship, w/out meeting her needs for affection & conversation. Neither strategy works very well.
Women often resent having sex w/out affection & conversation first & & men resent being conversant & affectionate w/no hope for sex or recreation.
By combining
the fulfillment of all 4 needs into a single event, however, both spouses have their needs met & enjoy the entire time together.
A man should
never assume that just because he's in bed w/his wife, sex is there for the taking. In many marriages, that mistake creates
resentment & confusion.
Most men
eventually learn that if they spend the evening giving their wife their undivided attention,
w/conversation & affection, sex becomes a very natural & mutually enjoyable way to end the evening.
But there
are some women who don't see the connection either. They want their husbands to give them the most attention when there's no possibility
for sex.
That tactic
can lead to just as much resentment in a man as nightly sexual "ambushes" create in a woman. Take my word for it, the fulfillment of the 4 needs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship & sexual fulfillment is best when they're met together.
Amount
The number of
hours you schedule to be together each week for undivided attention should reflect the quality
of your marriage. If your marriage is satisfying to you & your spouse, schedule 15 hours each week to be together.
But if
you suffer marital dissatisfaction, plan more time until marital satisfaction is achieved.
How much time
do you need to sustain the feeling of love for each other?
Believe it or not, there really is an answer to this question & it depends on the health of a marriage. If a couple is
deeply in love with each other & find that their marital needs are being met, I've found that about 15 hours each week of undivided attention is usually
enough to sustain their love.
When a marriage
is this healthy, either it's a new marriage or the couple has already been spending that amount of time with each other throughout
their marriage.
Without
15 hours of undivided attention each week, a couple simply can't do what it takes to sustain
their feeling of love for each other.
When I apply
the 15 hour principle to marriages, I usually recommend that the time be evenly distributed throughout the week, 2 to 3 hours
each day.
When time
must be bunched up - all hours only on the weekend - good results aren't as predictable. Spouses need to be emotionally reconnected almost on a daily basis to meet each other's most important emotional needs.
How can
a workaholic businessman find time to have an affair? The man who couldn't be home for dinner because of his busy schedule is suddenly
able to fit in a mid-afternoon rendezvous 3 times a week! How does he get his work done?
The answer,
of course is that he had the time all along. It's simply a matter of priorities. He could just as easily have spent the time
with his wife. Then they'd have been in love with each other.
Instead,
he's in love with someone else, all because of a shortsighted schedule.
The reason I
have so much difficulty getting couples to spend time alone together is that when I first see them for counseling, they're not in love. Their relationship doesn't do anything for them & the time spent with each other seems like a total waste at first.
But when
they spend time together, they learn to re-create the romantic experiences that first nurtured their love relationship. Without that time, they have little hope of restoring the love they once had for each other.
But 15
hours a week is usually not nearly enough time for couples that aren't yet in love. To help them jump-start their relationship, I usually suggest 25 or 30 hours a week of undivided attention until they're
both in love with each other again.
Your time together
is too important to the security of your marriage to neglect. It's more important than time spent doing anything else during the week, including time with your children & your job.
Remember
that the time you should set aside is only equivalent to a part-time job. It isn't time you don't have; it's time you'll use
for something less important, if you don't use it for each other.
To help you
plan your week with each other's emotional needs in mind, I encourage you to meet with your spouse at 3:30 Sunday afternoon, to look over each other's schedule for the coming week. That's the
time for you to be sure that you've provided for each other.
And while
you're at it, try to plan a little extra time just in case an emergency arises that prevents you from being together the full 15 hours you originally
plan.
I've written a Q&A
column that column wrestles w/the complaint, We Don't Spend Enough Time with Each Other.
Neglect not only withdraws love units, but it turns out to be the single most important reason that women divorce men & they divorce men twice as often as men divorce women.
Men, if you
want to keep your wife around,
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