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welcome! to emotional feelings!
after looking things over here at emotional feelings,
try out "the layer down under," (part of the emotional feelings network of sites) & read a special "i
just gotta say it" column concerning porn addiction by clicking here! Be sure to scroll down towards the bottom of the right hand column to find it!
Another suggestion! visit the homepage to read more about the emotional feelings network of sites & what's available to you!
I was personally very touched by this inspiring story as I watched it on
television last night (2/27/07); especially after I experienced a life altering injury which took me 2 years to recover from.
What I want to ask you is...
If you can't help out with the helmets, below for our military men, can
you volunteer or help our returning soldiers who are recovering with extreme traumatic brain injury?
Here are some links!
Check them out, I know that my family will be searching for a way we can help!
Remember - extreme or traumatic physical injuries can have a deep impact on mental health!
What is Operation Helmet?
Founded in 2003 by Dr. Robert H. Meaders whose grandson is an active duty Marine in Iraq, Operation Helmet is a nonpartisan 501(c)(3) organization dedicated
to providing safer helmet pad upgrade kits to the troops in Iraq & Afghanistan.
To date, more than 6,000 kits have been shipped to the troops in the field.
  How this site works best for you!
You'll
notice that there are many underlined link words in each article below. The reason for this is that you have reached not only, "emotional
feelings, the home site," but the emotional feelings network of sites. There are
many sites included within the network that'll be visited by clicking on these underlined link words.
If you can't find what you came
here looking for, visit the homepage for the emotional feelings network of sites by clicking above & read the options on
the homepage for the networks index of sites. Try to be specific when looking for an emotion or feeling word & click on the site you need!
It's very simple & very
interesting to follow your way thru the layers of your buried or stuffed emotions & feelings that have accumulated throughout the years!
when you've reached this point, or this website, you know you're making
progress!!!! this part gets difficult because now is the time to look within & become emotionally honest with yourself!!!
Best of luck & if you're
still stuck, send me an e-mail anytime, by clicking
here & I'll be glad to send you an immediate personal response!
Sincerely,
Kathleen
Family Wars: The Alienation of Children
(provided by Dr. Peggie Ward)
Composite case from actual examples
The parents of Amy (age 10) & Kevin (age 7)
are divorcing after 13 years of marriage. Their father, by temporary stipulation, has moved from the marital home. He is entitled to visit
with the children on alternating weekends & one evening, during the week.
Soon,
the children begin to refuse to go with him.
-
1st: they
don't want to "leave Mom"
-
2nd: they
say that they're "afraid to go"
-
Mom will
"not force the children to go"
-
"Visitation is
up to them." & she\he will "not interfere in their decision".
-
The children
refuse to talk with him on the phone.
-
Mom calls him
names when he telephones
-
Mom complains
constantly about her financial situation, blaming him, all within hearing of the children.
Dad attempts to talk with
the children about the situation, then to bribe them with movies, shopping
trips, toys. They become more & more sullen with him & resistant to coming. Anything, routine doctor visits, invitations
from a friend, a visit to Aunt Beth, serves as an excuse to avoid visits.
A court appointed guardian ad litem learns from the children that "Dad is abusive & mean to us." They don't want to go on visits. When asked to give specific examples
of how he's abusive, their stories aren't convincing....
-
"He yells too loud when
we make noise."
-
"He made me climb all
the way to the top of a mountain."
-
"He gets
mad at me about my homework."
-
"He makes me wear my
bike helmet."
-
"He pounds the wall
to get us up in the morning & it makes me afraid that he'll hit me."
They say that he has never hit
them, although they state that they're very afraid that he will.
These children are in the process of becoming alienated from their father.
An increasing number of
children are experiencing the divorce of their parents or litigation over their custody some time during their minority. Some children experience the concerted,
albeit often unconscious or unintended, attempt of one parent to alienate them from their
other parent.
It's the purpose of this
article to alert lawyers, judges & parents involved in divorce & custody wars to the serious nature of parental alienation & to provide suggestions
for court based intervention.
Definitions
Parental
alienation is the creation of a singular relationship between a child & one parent, to the exclusion of the other parent.
The fully alienated child is a child who doesn't wish to have any contact whatsoever
with one parent & who expresses only negative feelings for that parent & only positive feelings for the other parent.
This child has
lost the range of feelings for both parents that's normal for any child.
There are significant
disputes between the experts as to the theoretical framework for this phenomenon & as to the appropriate terminology to
apply to understand it, which disputes are beyond the scope of this
article.
We've tried
to adopt language with common sense meaning for our discussion & use the term "alienation"
in its non-technical sense.
We also call
the parent who acts to create such a singular relationship between the child & himself the "alienating
parent". The parent who is excluded from the singular relationship is "the target parent".
Motivation
for Alienation
There are many motivational factors that could cause a parent to want to
alienate her child from the child's other parent. An alienating
parent most likely has strong underlying feelings & emotions left over from earlier unresolved emotional issues which have been resuscitated & compounded by the pain of the divorce.
The individual, in attempting
to ward off these powerful & intensely uncomfortable feelings, develops behavioral strategies that involve the children.
One solution to the
pain & anger is to sue for custody of the child & to endeavor to punish the other
parent by seeking his exclusion. The internal world of all alienating parents can have complex & multifarious
origins which are beyond the scope of this article.
If the motivating factors are unconscious or subconscious, the alienating parent may not feel
&/or may not be aware of the feelings & emotions described above. Unaware parents may deny to lawyers & judges both motivation & behavior quite convincingly, but nonetheless, may be involved in alienating behavior.
Parents may also be
aware of their angry or hopeless feelings but may consciously desire to protect the child. They tell their attorneys & the court of their conscious plans; however, despite the conscious desires, they may, unintentionally & unwittingly, engage in alienating behavior, driven by
less conscious needs.
Frequently, the unconscious
or unintentional alienating behavior results in the milder forms of alienation of the child from the target parent. Nonetheless, it's important to recognize the concrete signs of alienating behavior in order to thwart the development
of alienation.
The courts shouldn't tolerate alienating behavior simply because the intention to alienate is denied. The disavowal of alienation & active verbal espousal of relationship may
be quite convincing & mislead lawyers & judges from the actual truth
of the alienation.
Neither should the courts predicate a custody award
on the hopes that the behavior witnessed & cited in court is merely a product of the acrimony generated by the litigation.
Parties engaged in a high conflict divorce may show their worst behavior to all, but it's impossible to predict, as the courts so often wish they could do, whether
this behavior will lessen after the final resolution of the case.
In a case in which the Plaintiff
father was awarded custody against the recommendation of the Guardian ad Litem, the Marital Master concluded:
"The (Father) has also demonstrated some behaviors which have been troublesome
to the Master as well as the Guardian ad Litem. The (Father) has been manipulative in the presentation of this case, the Master concludes that he has inappropriately attempted to
influence & pressure the children into giving negative information about their mother & he has demonstrated a lack of
cooperation & flexibility in respecting the (Mother's)'s parental rights.
It's the hope of the Master that these factors have been the result of this litigation & the hostility between the parties will resolve themselves & not be a factor following this decree." S.L. v. S.L., Superior Court,
1989. Here, the master
has been witness to a divorce impasse which may not resolve itself without intervention & the parties' statements of good intentions shouldn't be relied upon to bring about a reversal of a behavioral trend already witnessed.
The
greater the acrimony & the greater the part that the children need or are asked to play in the litigation, the greater the potential for harm.
To judges
& lawyers involved in severely acrimonious cases, this is obvious. It's less apparent to the legal system that, when the
parents are divorced or separated, parental conflict concerning the children in the presence of children also causes harm.
The persistent
quality of the conflict combined with its enduring nature seriously endangers the mental health of the parents & the psychological development
of the children.
Under the
guise of fighting for the child, the parents may succeed in inflicting severe
emotional suffering on the very person whose protection & well-being is the presumed rationale for the battle. " (emphasis added).
"Visitation agreements
must insure that the emotional bond of the child with both parents is protected. There's substantial research that indicates that children need contact with adults of both sexes for balanced development"
With the exception of abuse, there's no good reason why a child shouldn't want to spend some time with each of her parents & even with abuse, most children still want to maintain some relationship with the abusive parent. It's the job of the parents, the professionals & the courts to see that such contact is possible
under safe circumstances.
While alienating messages & behavior affect a child negatively & impact upon the child's growth & development, the impact on the child may not vary with the parent's intentions. The effect will be to place the child in a severe loyalty bind, a position wherein the
child believes she\he must chose which of her 2 parents she\he will "love" more.
To have to choose between parents is itself damaging to the child & if the end result is the exclusion of a parent from the child's life, the injury is irreparable.
There is
a continuum of alienating parental behaviors
which cause harm to children & all positions on this continuum need be of concern to the professionals & the Courts.
Some
of the behavior is scarcely detectable with the result that attorneys & the court system
a loss over the alienation as a "normal
" part of the divorce or litigation process.
All families are made up of individuals who live together
in relatively stable intimate groups with the ostensible purpose of supporting & caring for each other. Family members develop their own rules & boundaries, spoken & unspoken, about the ways that they'll behave with each other, cohabit, be intimate, support & care for each other.
Each
familys' rules & boundaries are unique & change over time to reflect modifications in membership. The evolving needs of its members & the realities the outer world places on the family, such as schedules, finances, etc. Most of the time
changes in the family system are gradual & evolving, but some events force cataclysmic upheaval in the system. Divorce is usually such an event.
Unless a separating family can change its own rules & boundaries without outside intervention, the divorce process itself may reach an impasse, the term applied when the divorce process itself becomes "stuck" & the family system falls to appropriately restructure itself.
When
there's an impasse, any move by anyone, family member, attorney, spouse, is met with a counter move resulting in no forward
progress.
The impasse creates a system of its own, with its own membership, rules
& boundaries. Although little recognized by professionals, membership in the divorce impasse system will include all members of the family living together & all
professionals involved in "helping," the family get a divorce, i.e. the lawyers, mediators, therapists & even the judge.
A
divorce impasse can occur at 3 different levels:
-
an internal level (inside
an individual)
-
all interactional level (between 2 individuals)
-
&/or an external level
(w/in the larger social & familial system)
An impasse at any one of the levels will affect the entire system, & how each individual member responds
will affect all members, especially the child.
The children themselves are members
in both the changing family system & in the developing broader divorce impasse system. As a member of the family system, a child is attached legally, emotionally & psychologically to each of his parents.
As
a member of a divorce impasse system, a child is often asked to ally himself with one parent or the other, a request which clearly places the child
in a loyalty bind.
Sometimes
the request, either overtly or covertly, is that the child make the alliance exclusive. All members of the divorce impasse system, including the professionals, are affected by the loyalty struggles
& may become polarized.
Recognition of Alienating Behaviors
A. The Continuum: Distinguishing between
"Typical" Divorce & "Alienation"
In a "cooperative"
divorce, both parents work together to restructure their own relationship & their family to allow the children
as normalized a relationship with each of them as possible.
This means cooperating
with each other as to finances, logistics & schedules & actively supporting the children's emotional relationships with the other parent &
the extended families.
All parties to divorce experience a wide range of intense emotions, including:
In "cooperative"
divorces the parties consciously try not to engage in behavior they understand to be inflammatory
to the other side.
An angry divorce is not necessarily an alienating
one. Alienation occurs when the parties to divorce or
custody litigation use their children to
meet their own emotional needs as vehicles to express or carry their intense emotions or as pawns to manipulate as a way of inflicting retribution on the other side.
The focus
in determining - whether or not there's alienation in
an angry divorce must be, not on the degree of rage or
loss expressed, but on the behavioral willingness to involve the children.
Parental
alienation occurs along abroad continuum, based on the level of internal distress of the alienating parent, the vulnerability of the child & the responses of the target parent as well
as on the responses of the external system (family, attorneys, mental health professionals, the
legal system).
The
range may be from children who experience significant discomfort at transition times (mild),
thru children who feel compelled to keep separate worlds & identities when with each parent (moderate),
to children who refuse to have anything to do with the target parent & become obsessed with their hatred (severe).
There
are alienating parents who're completely unaware of either their emotional state, the motivation to alienate,
or the effects of their behavior (unconscious), while at the other end of the continuum,
there are parents who absolutely intend to bind the child to themselves in an exclusive relationship & are explicit in their statements & behavior (overt).
RECOGNITION OF
ALIENATING BEHAVIORS
SEVERE - Mild Alienation Cases
Once an alienation process has been identified, the court must intervene.
Even at the mild or beginning
stages there is much work to be done. There is usually a healthy psychological bond between each of the parents & the
child & at least a cognitive recognition on the part of the alienating parent that an estrangement between the child & the target
parent is not in the best interests of the child.
The alienating parent is frequently willing to participate in a program to change the direction of the case, if given
the information & the guidance necessary.
Often the alienation at this stage is motivated
by fear that the impending divorce will cause the child to love the alienating parent less. The finalization of the divorce itself together w/specific education & the therapy described below may ameliorate
the situation.
At the mild stage, it is imperative that the family be engaged in a "family systems" therapy that is
focused on changing the behavior of the parties around the child.
The traditional individual
therapies are not helpful as individual treatment tends to focus only on one side, therefore potentially increasing, the alienation by advocacy for a client.
If individual therapy is necessary for
a child or a parent, it must take place w/a therapist who understands the alienation
process & who supports the value to a child of having a relationship w/each parent.
All therapists engaged
w/the family must understand family dynamics & parental alienation, have a systems approach
& clearly understand that children need two parents.
The therapists must be strong & forceful
& able to utilize the force of the court through the Guardian ad Litem. The therapy must be directed at the resolution
of the divorce impasse.
The Court ordered divorce impasse therapy must include all the adults directly involved in
the custody of the child. This includes both parents & any live-in lovers or current spouses
& any other adult who lives in the home of either the alienating parent
or the target parent & any other adult who may be involved in the alienation.
A court order may be necessary to require
the warring adults to sit in the same room together, but we believe that they must actually face each other if possible, or,
at a minimum , be involved with the same systems therapist if meeting together is not recommended.
The Court order
must be forceful & explicit . The rights, responsibilities & duties of each parent must
be spelled out explicitly. Attendance in therapy as required by the therapist must be court ordered.
The custody & visitation schedule
may also need to be explicit, w/details of how, when & where pick-ups & drop-offs are to occur. All parties must understand
that a court order can't be modified unless approved by the Court; if modifications can be made by the family w/the agreement
of the systems therapist, this must be made explicit in the order.
Confidentiality will
always be an issue which should be addressed by the court, the parties, lawyers & the therapist. If the parties are able
to agree to confidentiality. it should be written into the court order. If the therapy is confidential, it should be confidential to all. including the court &
the guardian ad Litem. The ability of the parties to agree to confidentiality would be a major
step to resolution as it indicates both motivation & trust of the
system.
If the parties can't agree to confidentiality, the court should do what it can to
insulate the therapist from legal inquiry, w/ due regard for the parties constitutional rights". The Court can order the attorneys
not to speak w/the therapist (except for the Guardi
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