Field Guide to Spotting Annoying Parents

A while back my friend Kym wrote this very funny post about moms who annoy her. Tops on her list:

Moms who don't let their kids watch Disney flicks & moms who do cutesy arts & craft stuff with their kids on a daily basis. I'll second all of Kym's nominees in the "Annoying Moms" category - & add a few categories of my own.

So here it is for your reading enjoyment: my Field Guide to Spotting Annoying Parents:

The Germaphobe

This parent would, if she could, encase her child in a portable germ-proof plastic bubble. If you've ever attended a playgroup, preschool, or even Sunday School, you've probably met this mom.

Always armed with antibacterial wipes to clean her child's hands after he touches anything, this mom goes to the grocery store armed with her own personal child-seat cover & grocery cart handle cover, freaks out if another child sticks his finger in his nose (or other orifice) in her precious offspring's presence & totally loses it if someone in the general vicinity of her delicate babe coughs or sneezes.

This dad is the type who will send out lengthy diatribes advocating for "sick child policies" for playgroups, parent support group meetings, etc., because he just can't stand it when his child gets sick with common childhood ailments.

If you've the misfortune to encounter this annoying type of parent in their own home, sneeze often & loudly, surreptiously lick your palms & touch as many surfaces as you can & casually drop used tissues within their child's reach. Guaranteed laughs!

The Religious Enthusiast

If you're fortunate enough to live outside the dreaded Bible Belt, you may make it without ever meeting this type of annoying parent. Or maybe not - sightings have been observed even in liberal corners like Seattle, so you should be on constant alert so as to quickly duck & dodge before The Religious Enthusiast traps you into a conversation.

You can often spot these parents & their annoyingly squeaky-clean kids from a mile away by their oversized cross necklaces, Bibles in cute little handmade "Bible carriers" & their kids' Veggie Tales stuffed toys.

The extreme Religious Enthusiast will find it hard to engage in any conversation without "witnessing" to you about her love for Jesus & won't let their child watch any show that isn't approved by the Christian Coalition.

Just get away as quickly & politely as possible & chuckle to yourself over the inner knowledge that their kids - yes, perfect little blond-haired, blue-eyed Matthew, Mark, Luke, John & Mary Elizabeth - will in a few years hit the age of hardcore teenage rebellion & will be causing their parents untold blood pressure spikes with their internet porn-surfing, pot smoking & premarital sex. Woot!

The TV Snob / Toy Snob / Veganut / Organic Snob

These categories are grouped together because you're likely to find that a parent who fits one of them also fits at least one of the others as well.

These parents are all about the superiority thing - "I'm a better parent than you are because______". Ugh & double ugh. No, asshat, what you are is a tiresome & annoying twit.

You're so insecure in your own parenting decisions that you need to constantly reassure yourself of how good you are by patting yourself on the back for how good your kid is turning out.

Guess what? Most kids who are well-loved & nurtured, with a bit of discipline & social skills tossed in, will grow up to be normal, likeable people, even if their parents are annoying @#%*&!*&.

The TV Snob is that particular type of annoying parent who finds it absolutely essential to inform you & everyone else who doesn't give two *&^#$ that their child NEVER watches TV & is a much better person than kids who DO watch TV because they have so much more time for creative play, reading, etc.

Crap, crap & crap. While I don't advocate plopping kids in front of the TV 24/7 & we do put a limit on how much of the boob-tube the kiddos consume, watching a little Cartoon Network or Friday-Night Nicktoons never turned any kid into a drooling blob incapable of creativity or social interaction.

If anything, these poor kids will be walking social targets when they hit grade school, because they won't even know who Spongebob is. Keeping your kids completely socially isolated from mainstream kidfare like TV & MickeyD's - especially if you convince them they're superior to their peers because of it - you might as well have t-shirts printed for them to wear to school that say, "Kick Me".

The Toy Snob will tell you endlessly how all THEIR child's toys are made only of all natural products like wood & organic cotton & hemp.

They likely own lots & lots of over-priced Waldorf stuff (not that some of that stuff isn't cool, but it is SO spendy & trendy, 2 things we like to avoid around here), pure beeswax crayons that cost a mint, real silk scarves (not the cheapo thrift store kind, the expensive kind from the fancy toy catalogs), etc, etc, (BARF) etc.

They'll freak out if you buy their kid a Barbie or anything plastic for their birthday & may even be so super-annoying as to send out a LIST of forbidden gifts prior to Junior's birthday party.

Just to be annoying back, go out & get the ugliest, loudest, plastic toy you can find to give the kid. He'll love it & it'll annoy the crap out of the parents.

Interestingly, this type of parent often is also an ultra-liberal & environmentalist (or claims to be), but has a houseful of toys made from dead trees & a nice, expensive house with hardwood floors & cabinets.

The Veganut / Organic Snob can be annoying or not, depending on their personality. Living here in Seattle as we do, we know a good many vegetartians, vegans & natural food folks who aren't annoying about it at all.

They eat like they prefer to eat & leave other people alone. The Veganut, however, is a horse of a different color. This person (usually a vegan, not just a vegetarian) will leave things like animal activist brochures detailing the horrors of dairy farms at your house when they come over.

Veganism is their religion & in that way they're just as bad as Jehovah's Witnesses about getting all up in your grill w/their personal beliefs.

If they host a playgroup or potluck, they'll feel compelled to send out a list of food items they don't allow in their home (sometimes just "no meat" but often "no animal products").

This I just don't get. We're meat-eaters here, but when we host a potluck to which vegetarians or vegans are invited, we don't insist that they MUST bring meat dishes just because we eat meat.

So why do vegans feel compelled to foist their dietary beliefs on others? They can be so gawdamned sanctimonious about it - all "veganism is a part of our moral belief system, blah blah blah".

Big deal, get off your moral high horse already. Eating meat is a part of ours, we bless it & thank the Goddess for it & you aren't any more moral than people who eat meat.

You just like to think you are - it's that whole superiority thing rearing its ugly head again. It's just so frigging irritating. Particulary annoying are the veganuts who must proclaim frequently how their kids NEVER eat McDonalds!

NEVER drink that evil poison, milk! NEVER eat processed flour or sugar! NEVER eat Lunchables!

Their kids are the pasty, thin ones sadly nibbling a sheet of seaweed at the playgroup picnic, while enviously eyeing their playmates' Cheetos & Ding-Dongs.

Guaranteed: in their teen years, their kids will go on a rebellious fast-food eating binge that will turn their parents' hair white.

The Gender-Free Fanatic

This type is relatively rare, I've only personally run across a handful over the past 18 years & we live in ultra-liberal Seattle.

But when you spot one - RUN. Very. Fast. The gender-free fanatic gives her children all the same haircut - most often short boy-cuts, though you'll occasionally spot a boy w/a mullet down to his little butt.

She only buys her kids "gender-neutral" clothing - generally jeans, overalls, plain shirts in "gender-free" colors. Her children are generally named generic-type names that don't differentiate whether it's a boy or girl - or worse, she'll name a girl a boy name, like Dexter, just to mix it up.

Gender-free fanatics never, EVER let their girls play with Barbies (the horror! so stereptypical / antifeminist!!! blah blah blah!!!). Some of them own only "gender neutral toys" like blocks & won't even let their kids of either sex play with trucks, guns, dolls, etc.

Parents who just let their kids of either sex play with whatever type toys they want - boys with baby dolls, girls with monster trucks - aren't the same as the Gender-Free Fanatic.

The true GFF is a breed unto herself & pity the poor child raised this way. Interestingly, one thing I've noted amongst the gender-free families I've met is that - subconsciously or deliberately, who knows? - they tend to lean toward the male gender stereotypes even in trying to avoid gender stereotyping.

That is: they tend more to give their girls super-short boycuts & make them wear more typically "boy" clothing than to have their boys run around with really long hair & wear skirts & dresses.

But try, just try, to point that to them that they're forcing their little girls to look like posterkids for Future Dykes of America. If you do - duck. Fast.

The Middle-Aged, First-Time Parenting Expert

I just love these parents. Back before they had kids, they were your annoying single friends who were full of helpful parenting advice whenever you were around them with your kids. Now, biological clock ticking, they've decided to reproduce.

They have one child. One. Who isn't even crawling yet. BUT. They know everything there is to know about parenting - far more than their friends who have already been there, done that 2 or 3 times & even have kids who have survived to college-age.

They've read lots & lots of parenting books, they have their parenting philosophy carved in stone tablets & by golly, they feel it imperative to educate all their poor, less-educated friends who have only learned thru experience. 

If you really, really, like them, you might wait it out awhile to see if they outgrow this annoying phase. But if you never really liked them all that well to begin with, this might be a good time to unload them.

Note: This type of parent very often fits one or more other annoying categories as well, making them ultra-annoying. Beware.

The Totally Barfedelic Super-Cutesy Parent

Now this type of parent - whew. This is the mom who dresses herself & her daughter in cute little matching outfits she made herself. She might even have a small dog that she also dresses to match them.

She scrapbooks prolifically, creating these amazingly masterful keepsakes that perfectly capture every nuance of her baby's childhood on gorgeous 30-cents-a-sheet papers with cute litte cutouts.

Makes every birthday party invitation & Christmas card by hand & they look GOOD, too, not like the crap the rest of us throw together that's only cute because our kids had a hand in making it.

Has these awesome scrapbooks for every family vacation, with napkins & matchbooks & maps & brochures from interesting places, etc. Fills out every page of her baby books, in painstaking detail.

Her kids are always perfectly neat & oh-so-cute & they never, EVER say things like "%^$#" or "holy &^%$" in public.

Probably her hair is always perfect, her makeup carefully applied, her toenails always pedicured, her house always spotlessly neat in spite of having a kid or two, because she manages to keep all their kidshit confined to a (neatly organized & labeled) playroom.

Sigh. Yeah, I'm just jealous. What of it? I console myself w/the knowledge that our sex life is spectacular & these women's husbands are probably just as boring in bed as they look.

The "Kids Are In Charge" Parent

The one other annoying parent that bears mentioning in this here guide is the parent who thinks their child should be the absolute center of their universe.

And everyone elses. Some of them don't discipline their kids at all because - whatever - they don't know how to, or they were overly disciplined as kids, or what have you. Many of them practice a particularly annoying philosophy known as Taking Children Seriously.

TCS pupports to be about "non-coercion". What this means in practice, for many people who follow this way of thinking, is that their kids should never be "coerced" into doing anything they don't want to do.

Including things like taking medicine, brushing teeth, riding in a carseat. Go check it out, especially their discussion boards. You'll freak out, really. They had a discussion there one time where a mom was outside w/her kids & got sick herself w/diarrhrea.

She was beating herself up because she had "forced" her children to stop playing so she could go in to use the toilet. And people on the discussion list actually told her she shouldn't have "coerced" them to stop doing what they wanted - she could have just gone in her pants & cleaned herself up later. ?!?

I'm not making this up. I couldn't come up w/something like that off the top of my head if I TRIED.

What these people are is seriously in need of therapy - NOW. Before they totally screw their kids up by raising them to believe that the world revolves around them, they never need to regard other peoples' needs or feelings or respect their property, they don't need to follow any norms of social behavior. Ugh, ugh, UGH.

These parents are just doing their kids a grave disservice. And - oh yeah. They also tend to also fall into one or ALL of the above irritating categories on top of this, which makes them about as fun to be around as a weekend w/a bad case of shingles & stomach flu at the same time.

There, in a nutshell, is your Field Guide to Spotting Annoying Parents. Feel free to add to it your own "annoying parent" entries & soon we'll have quite a compilation.

What gives me the right to judge other parents like this? I'll tell you, sport - I have been aspects of pretty much all these annoying parents at various points in my 18-year parenting career & I was just as annoying then as the people who're in those stages now.

I just have the perspective of time & experience to look back & see what an annoying jerk I was, which allows me to be considerably more laid-back & less judgmental overall now than I was then. All of us have our faults as parents & as people - mine are many & no one knows my faults better than I do.

May 26, 2004 | Permalink

101 Ways To Annoy People!

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code & have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV & then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food & announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for 50 miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation & sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

21. Practice making fax & modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers & "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24.Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations & see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard & tell the neighbors you're a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Don't add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences w/the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen & "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green & insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise

45. Honk & wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

47. Change channels 5 minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant & simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones & re-route whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination / UFO / O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

62.Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio & talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," & repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos & place the cookie parts back in the tray.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged i