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Please go to abuse 101 the website for more information concerning abuse. There is a menu of the topics within that website
on the home page of this website!
| can you tell which one of these co-workers.... |
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| is the victim of spousal abuse at home eash night? |
for more information concerning abuse
Visit the website within the emotional feelings network
of sites!
 What I've learned about abuse....
kathleen howe
It's still difficult for
me to broach the subject of abuse when I'm thinking about my own relationship with that
five letter word. I believe the word abuse, just being said aloud, is a "verbal trigger" for my PTSD or depression to rear it's ugly head from off of it's resting place to simply - cock
it's head from left to right - listening intently, for an opportunity to deliver hate and misfortune - at a forty-five
degree angle, it's catlike eyes look first to the right an then to the left before it slowly allows it's lids to relax, close
as its head willfully falls slowly to it's pillowcase to be at rest again.
Yes, I consider the topic
of abuse, in comparison, as deadly as one of Satan's messengers, long dirty fingers with
long fingernails always getting into some kind of trouble at anytime. Besides my belief that abuse is dangerous; it's a fact
that abuse is very dangerous to ones' physical or body image. It jogs the memory - bringing back a flood of horrible pictures
in the mind, sounds, tastes and - the actual TRAUMA - gets replayed one more time in the brain - and always in slow motion.
Suddenly you're in it again - just like a repetitive nightmare.
The trigger, explosive in nature, seems so acutely distressing
when one is still living in the immediate remaining destruction of a trauma. I dare not think of how many other triggers are
involved with other traumas as one averages more than one disturbing trauma into the present moment. There is no
way to stop all of the traumas to come to the present moment to deal with them right or wrong, I
Part of my recovery journey has been to learn about abuse. I studied hard
and as I studied information about all kinds of abuse. I ran a forum or "group" about abusive relationships, about domestic
violence, instances of child abuse long ago and even religions abuse. Every type of evil seems to thrive on the word. It's
as if the forked tongue loves to lick the surface of the letters itself. Slowly gliding across each alphabet letter, it leaves
a pathway of peeling paint that probably contains lead. Must have been "made in China."
It's not difficult for others who have experienced some type of abuse
to imagine exactly what I'm describing, but what's daunting to the outer borders of our imaginations is the numbers of millions
of people who are dealing with this very thing - this very moment. My heart continues to bleed, aching and throbbing, for
those men and women returning from military battle or work overseas. Imagine coming home to feel even more distant than ever
from your loved ones and your "family home surroundings."
What would one do? How can the service man relate to his or her spouse
after experiencing such severe traumatic experiences that his mental health is at present, "at bay, releasing a storm of actions
based in hyper-vigilance? How do you explain to a son or daughter who has waited so long for a parent to return from
battle and then... it seems their loved one is simply a "stranger" upon their return? It's heartbreaking.
It's difficult enough for those in the medical communities throughout
our nation to serve the mentally ill who are hospitalized today, not even military individuals, as if they are human
beings, never mind - mentally ill human beings. Mentally ill people have special needs. It doesn' t seem to register
to the RN on the floor, or even the surgeon or doctor in charge that they're dealing with an individual who is experiencing panic
attacks almost every day. Although the patient fills out the paperwork required to receive services in a hospital stay;
more times than not the medical professionals involved don't feel the need to establish the patients' mental health capacity.
I'm not sure why we're overlooked. Because the mentally ill patient is
often overlooked, his or her hospital stay often turns into a case of health care abuse. It's very easy to avoid, but no one will
initiate the priorities to be followed.
Another factor
I realized is that most abuse isn't personal. What a statement to make! It's appalling! Can
you believe that I would have the nerve to write that out?
Abuse isn't personal... what does that mean? It means that when someone decides to abuse you, most often it's not you, by your individual name and
person that the abuser wants to abuse. The abuser has a need to cope with something - inflicting abuse on someone calms
the abuser - like a self abuser, or "cutter" feels after inflicting self injury. A cutter gets relief from anxiety or
stress by feeling the actual cutting of flesh. It's a "real" feeling that the self injurer can control and no one can
take from them. The self abuser needs that same feeling calmed within ones self.
So the pedophile doesn't need Suzie P. Golden that lives at
434 Smart St in Tupelo, Texas to expose himself to. He needs a "child." He looks for a child. He looks for traits and characteristics
that please him. He doesn't need Stewart H. Palmer, age 10, from Nashua, New Hampshire to perform his ritualistic abuse
on - he just needs a 10 year old boy. So as I've just shown you the example - the abuser doesn't need a personal
connection with an individual to abuse. It's not that personal.
The reasoning
behind parents abusing their own children? It's through convenience! A parent who abuses a child of their own has complete
control and power over them. So when an abused child grows up, then decides to look back at his or her past.... It's often
an ugly past that they must open their eyes to. The denial has to be peeled back off the hurt, layer by layer by layer until
those very raw, sore, aching unresolved emotions and feelings are reached. You know you were abused, but why? Why would your
own parent do that to you?
If you would take a walk down Memory Lane at your parents'
backgrounds you will most likely find the skeletons in their closets labeled "upbringing" stink of abusive relationships. It's true. Alcoholism, drug use, smoking, sexual abuse, and other types of abuse,
acting out, coping negatively. You can never get away from it. It follows you. Believe me, I know it.
And finally,
while not totally, there's this bond between people who have experienced abuse. It's unspoken,
but it's there. It's a strong understanding of what is felt when one is humiliated, intimidated,
hurt and involved in abusive situational relationships with loved ones. It's sad, very sad.
The saddest part of the whole thing is that those who are in positions to help those who have been or are being
abused - don't have the training or the tools to truly help the
abused victim. It's their job to educate, illustrate and administer enough help that the
victim turns over that role in life into a survivor role, a victorious role over the enemy, they've won!
When I struggled in the domestic violence centers for over
two years, it was never considered that there might be a mental health problem. It was never considered that all the time
we were there with nothing to do could have been spent in "training" of "life skills" so the abused
spouse can support her family instead of returning home to her abuser.
Where are the assessment takers? Where are the social service
workers that might administer a health card for a mental health evaluation that has been made mandatory within three
days of entering a domestic violence shelter. Where are the counselors for the kids? Where are the health assessments
for physical well being? Where are the life skills administrators? Where are the financial experts? Where is the community
who owns so much time that they might use in hands on training concerning housekeeping, cooking and health care tips
as well as the parenting principles?
I'm asking everyone to begin to think at what abused people need. Ask them what they need. Figure out a way to meet that need. Figure it out, you can do it.
Abuse touches everyone. Think about it.
I discovered some information that might be of interest to you... click here to visit the hostile page at feeling emotionally more - to read about hostile aggressive parenting!
It's another form of child abuse....
emotional abuse
The presence of emotional abuse
is the largest risk factor & greatest predictor of physical violence, especially where a woman is called names to put
her down or make her feel bad.
Emotionally abusive partners
also commit murder or murder/suicide. Women are at most risk of being killed when they leave their partners.
Women themselves can also be suicidal as a result of emotional abuse.
domestic violence
If the below characteristics begin to seem very close to home... click here to read more about questioning the possibility that you may be an abusive person!
abuse - the abuser
the abusive person - "the abuser"
Characteristics
All socio-economic, educational,
racial and age groups
trying to figure out if you're
an abusive person? click here to travel to another site in our network, then get ready for some self examination!
emotional abuse
More women experience emotional abuse than physical violence. 35% of all women who are or
have been in married or common-law relationships have experienced emotional abuse.
In comparison, 29% of women have been
physically assaulted by their male partners.
domestic violence
common feelings & emotions of the abuser
dependent, anger, rage, aggressive, fear of abandonment, fearful, jealous, arrogant, cocky, disappointed with self, insatiable, abusive, insecure, disrespectful, opinionated
Beliefs
- Smashing things isn't abusive, it's venting!
- Sometimes there's no alternative to violence!
- Women are just as violent as men!
- Women want to be dominated by men!
- Somebody has to be in charge!
- Men can't change if women won't!
emotional abuse
Emotional abuse, just like any other form of abuse, is about power.
Women may exhibit some of the behaviors labeled as abuse, but it's critical to assess whether her actions give her power & make her partner fearful of her.
Research has shown that being female is the single largest risk
factor for being a victim of abuse in heterosexual relationships, something that is clearly reflective of women's lower status in our society.
domestic violence
28 Signs of Abusers
Batterers, Acquaintance and Marital Rapists and Emotional Abusers
Below
are a list of behaviors that are seen in people who're abusive. The last 5 signs listed are almost always seen only
if the person is a batterer, if the person has several of the other behaviors (say 3 or more), there's a strong potential for physical violence.
The
more signs the person has, the more likely the person is a batterer. In some cases, a batterer may have only a couple of behaviors that the woman can recognize, but they're very exaggerated (e.g. extreme
jealousy over ridiculous things).
Initially,
the batterer will try to explain his/her behavior as signs of love and concern and a woman may be flattered at first. As time goes on, the behaviors become more severe and serve to
dominate the woman. These signs may also be present in women's lesbian relationships.
- Unemployed or Under-employment.
Underemployment
isn't necessarily an objective phenomenon; it may be the subjective response to the man's failing to meet his own expectations.
Educational and occupational
attainment frequently is less than wife's, such status discrepancies are painful even should the husband bring home a higher
salary.
- Emotional Dependency. Emotional dependency on the spouse is usually not recognized or understood, but is expressed through demands for constant reassurance and gratification. This may explain in part why spouse abuse often begins during wife's pregnancy.
- High Investment in Marriage.
Wants to preserve marriage at any cost and will go to great lengths to do so. In the event of separation
or divorce, tends to immediately replace lost spouse with a new partner.
- Boundaries. Violates your personal space. Intimidates you by getting too close. Touches, pinches, grabs you against your will.
- Quick Involvement. Sweeps
you off your feet. Love at first sight. "You're the only one for me." Desperately pressures you for a commitment so you're engaged or living together in less than 6 months.
- Controlling Behavior. Controls where you go, what you do, with whom & for how long. Controls money and money decisions, won't allow you to share expenses or refuses to work and won't share expenses.
In my own personal experience: One of my abusive husbands would have me paged at the grocery store if he thought I was taking too long to do the shopping. He'd insist upon examining the receipt from grocery shopping and held his hand
out for change from the budgeted $50.00 per week to feed a family of 5.
I was expected to always have some kind of change for him. He complained that we were almost broke & that we had no money to spare.
I was so afraid to ask him to buy me anything, or spend any money on myself that when I got my period, I used toilet paper folded up as a
sanitary napkin.
He left me & the kids because he stated he needed a change & moved in with a young police officer in his 20's. His mail didn't all get forwarded & I received a bank statement
from a bank I had never heard of.
He was hoarding our money in a secret account. When I asked him about it - he was furious.
Although he had forced me to give up my child support for my 2 girls, when he left us - he wouldn't give me any money to help
support the kids & myself.
Protective to the point of controlling. Says he's angry when you're "late" because he "cares." Takes your car keys, won't let you go to church, work, or school.
| which one of these teens is the victim of |
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| sexual abuse through her school? |
- Jealousy. Angry about your relationships with other men, women, even children & family. This insecurity and possessiveness causes him to accuse you of flirting or having affairs, to call frequently or drop by to check up on you, even check your
car mileage or have you followed.
- Abusive
Family of Origin. Was physically, sexually or emotionally abused as a child or witnessed spouse abuse. He sees violence as normal behavior, a natural part of family life.
- Low Self-Esteem. Guards his fragile sense of self by acting tough and macho. Imagines you threaten his manhood. Damages your self-esteem, demeans your growth, demands your silence.
- Alcohol / Drug Abuse. Abuses alcohol/drugs, tries to get you drunk, berates you if you won't get high.
He may deny his drug problem and refuse to get help. Don't think you can change him or that alcohol/drug abuse causes violent behavior. They're 2 separate problems.
Blames you for everything that goes wrong. Will say "You make me mad," "You make me happy," "I can't help getting angry" to manipulate you. Holds you responsible for his suicidal or self-abusive behavior.
- Hypersensitivity. Quick temper, unable to handle frustrations without getting angry, easily insulted. Will "rant and rave" about minor things like traffic tickets or request to do chores.
- Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde.
Seems like 2 different people with mood swings from nice to explosive. May change his behavior around the guys. May be very sociable around others and only abusive with you.
Please go to abuse 101 the website for more information concerning abuse. There is a menu of the topics within that website
on the home page of this website!
- Unrealistic Expectations. Very dependent on you for all his physical and emotional needs ("You're all I need"). Expects you to live up to his ideals of a perfect partner, mother, lover, friend.
- Rigid Gender Roles. Expects a woman to stay at home, serve and obey him. Gets angry if you don't fulfill his wishes and anticipate his needs. Speaks for you. He thinks it's OK for men to keep women "in line" by force or intimidation.
- Rigid Religious Beliefs. Justifies rigid sex roles and the physical / emotional / sexual domination of women and children with
strict or distorted interpretations of scripture.
- Disrespect for Women in General. Ridicules and insults women, sees women as stupid and inferior to men, tells sexist jokes ("dumb blond", "PMS" jokes). Refers to women
in derogatory or non-human terms ("babe", "chick", "fox", "bitch") or as
specific parts of anatomy, de-values women's accomplishments and work, acts like women are 2nd-class citizens.
- Emotional Abuse. He may ignore your feelings, continually criticize you and call you names like "fat, ugly, stupid" curse and yell at you,
belittle your accomplishments, manipulate you with lies, contradictions and crazy-making tactics, humiliate you in private or public, regularly threaten to leave or tell you to leave, keep you awake or wake you up to argue or verbally abuse you.
- Isolation. An acquaintance rapist will try to separate you from others to a secluded spot. Batterers will try to keep you from working or attending school, move you to a rural area, restrict your use of the phone or car.
He'll try to cut you off from
men, women, family and children by saying:
- "You're a whore."
- "You're a lesbian."
- "You're tied to your parent's apron strings."
- "You're spoiling the kids."
- Reliance on Pornography.
Rapists, child molesters and men who sexually abuse or rape their wives often have an abundance of pornographic literature, photographs, magazines, or videos. They may want to involve you in their interest by photographing you or taking you to
pornographic movies or shops.
- Sexual Abuse. Refuses platonic relationship if dating, uses "playful" force in sex, uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into having sex, coerces or forces you to have sex or hurts you during sex, demands sex when you're scared, ill, tired or starts to have sex when you're asleep, drunk, or unable to give consent.
- Cruelty to Animals, Children or
Others. Teases, bullies, abuses or harshly punishes animals, children, elderly, weaker people or other women. Is insensitive to other's pan.
Tortures or kills pets to
feel powerful or hurt you. Threatens to kidnap the children if you leave. Punishes or deprives the children when angry at you. Punishes the children for behavior they're incapable of (whipping a 2 year-old for wet diapers).
additional resource: pet abuse
- Past Violence. Any history
of violence to "solve" problems. Justifies hitting or abusing women in the past, but "they made me do it." Friends, relatives or ex-partners say he's abusive (Batterers beat any woman they're with. You didn't cause it and you can't control it or cure it).
- Fascination with Weapons.
Plays with guns, knives, or other lethal weapons, threatening to "get even" with you or others.
- Threats of Violence. Any threats of physical force to control you or make you do something should be taken seriously. He may threaten to hurt you or your family. Non-batterers don't say things like "I'll kill you" or "I'll break your neck."
- Breaking or Striking Objects.
Punishes you by breaking loved objects, terrorizes you into submission (If he doesn't want you to be a student, he may destroy school books
or break lamps). Non-batterers don't beat on tables, punch holes in walls, destroy furniture, throw objects
at you to threaten you. The message is "You're next! You're just an object I can control and I can break you like our china."
- Any Force During an
Argument. Hurts you in anger or in "play", pushing , shoving, pulling, grabbing you by the collar, holding you down, restraining you from leaving the
room, slapping, punching, hitting, kicking, or burning.
This cycle
of violence is followed by a "honeymoon" period, then an escalation of tension and more violence. The episodes of violence will get more frequent, more intense and will not stop on their own.
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| click here |
emotional abuse
Most women indicate that emotional abuse effects them as much, if not more than, physical violence.
They report that emotional abuse is responsible for long-term problems with health, self-esteem, depression and anxiety.
In one study 72% of women reported
that being ridiculed by their abusive partners had the greatest impact increased with the frequency of the emotional abuse.
However, like women who're physically and sexually abused emotionally abused women demonstrate incredible resilience and inner strength as they successfully balance the everyday demands of life such as children, school and work.
domestic violence
are you busy turning situations around so that the other spouse is always the
"bad one?"
there are no good reasons for being physically, mentally, verbally or sexually abusive towards anyone...none...
Most victims attempt to present to their children a "balanced" picture of the relationship and of the abusive spouse. In a vain attempt
to avoid the notorious (and controversial) Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), they don't besmirch the abusive parent and on the contrary, encourage the semblance of a normal, functional, liaison.
This is the wrong approach. Not only is it counterproductive – it sometimes proves outright dangerous.
Children have a right to know the overall state of affairs between their parents. They have a
right not to be cheated and deluded into thinking that "everything is basically OK" – or that the separation is reversible. Both parents are under a moral obligation to tell their offspring the truth: the relationship is over for good.
Younger kids tend to believe that they're somehow responsible or guilty for the breakdown of the marriage. They must be disabused of this notion. Both parents would do best to explain to them,
in straightforward terms, what led to the dissolution of the bond. If spousal abuse is wholly or partly to blame – it should be brought out to the open and discussed honestly.
In such conversations it's best not to allocate blame. But this doesn't mean that wrong behaviors should be condoned or whitewashed. The victimized parent should tell the child that abusive conduct is wrong and must be avoided. The child should be taught how to identify the warning signs of impending abuse – sexual, verbal, psychological and physical.
Moreover, a responsible parent should teach the child how to resist inappropriate and hurtful actions. The child should be brought up to insist on being respected by the other parent, on having him or her observe the child's boundaries and accept the child's needs and emotions, choices and preferences.
The child should learn to say "no" and to walk away from
potentially compromising situations with the abusive parent. The child should be brought
up not to feel guilty for protecting himself or herself and for demanding his or her rights.
Remember this:
An abusive parent IS DANGEROUS TO THE CHILD.
Idealization
– Devaluation Cycles
Most abusers accord the same treatment to children and adults. They regard both as Sources of Narcissistic Supply, mere instruments of gratification – idealize them at first and then devalue them in favor of alternative, safer and more subservient, sources. Such treatment – being idealized and then dumped and devalued – is traumatic and
can have long-lasting emotional effects on the child.
Jealousy
Some abusers are jealous of their offspring. They envy them for being the center of attention and care. They treat their own kids as hostile competitors. Where the uninhibited expression of the aggression and hostility aroused by this predicament is illegitimate or impossible – the abuser prefers to stay away.
Rather than attack his children, he sometimes immediately disconnects, detaches himself emotionally, becomes cold and uninterested, or directs transformed anger at his mate or at his parents (the more "legitimate" targets).
Objectification
Sometimes, the child is perceived to
be a mere bargaining chip in a drawn out battle with the erstwhile victim of the abuser (read the previous article in this series – Leveraging the Children).
This is an extension of the abuser's tendency to dehumanize people and treat them as objects.
Such abusive partners seek to manipulate their former mate by "taking over" and monopolizing their common children. They foster an atmosphere of emotional (& bodily) incest. The abusive parent encourages his kids to idolize him, to adore him, to be awed by him, to admire his deeds and capabilities, to learn to blindly trust and obey him, in short to surrender to his charisma and to become submerged in his follies-de-grandeur.
Breach of Personal Boundaries & Incest
It's at this stage that the risk of child abuse – up to and including outright incest – is heightened. Many abusers are auto-erotic. They are the preferred objects of their own sexual attentions. Molesting or having intercourse with
one's children is as close as one gets to having sex with oneself.
Abusers often perceive sex in terms of annexation. The molested child is "assimilated" and becomes an extension of the offender, a fully controlled and manipulated object. Sex, to the abuser, is the ultimate act of depersonalization
and objectification of the other. He actually masturbates with other people's bodies, his children's included.
The abuser's inability to acknowledge and abide by the personal boundaries set by others puts the child at heightened risk of abuse – verbal, emotional, physical and
often, sexual. The abuser's possessiveness and panoply of indiscriminate negative emotions – transformations of aggression, such as rage and envy – hinder his ability to act as a "good enough" parent.
His propensities for reckless behavior, substance abuse and sexual deviance endanger the child's welfare, or even his or her life.
Conflict
Minors pose little danger of criticizing the abuser
or confronting him. They're perfect, malleable and abundant Sources of Narcissistic Supply. The narcissistic parent derives gratification from having incestuous relations with adulating, physically and mentally inferior, inexperienced and dependent "bodies".
Yet, the older the offspring, the more they
become critical, even judgmental, of the abusive parent. They're better able to put into context and perspective his actions, to question his motives, to anticipate his moves. As they mature, they often refuse to continue to play the mindless pawns in his chess game.
They hold grudges against him for what he has done to them in the past, when they were less capable of resistance. They can gauge his true stature, talents and achievements – which, usually, lag far behind the claims
that he makes.
This brings the abusive parent back
a full cycle. Again, he perceives his sons/daughters as threats. He quickly becomes disillusioned and devaluing. He loses all interest, becomes emotionally remote, absent and cold, rejects any effort to communicate with
him, citing life pressures and the preciousness and scarceness of his time.
He feels burdened, cornered, besieged, suffocated and claustrophobic. He wants to get away, to abandon his commitments to people who have become totally useless (or even damaging) to him. He
doesn't understand why he has to support them, or to suffer their company and he believes himself to have been deliberately and ruthlessly trapped.
He rebels either passively-aggressively (by refusing to act or by intentionally sabotaging the relationships) or actively (by being overly critical, aggressive, unpleasant, verbally & psychologically abusive & so on). Slowly – to justify his acts to himself – he gets immersed in conspiracy theories with clear paranoid hues.
To his mind, the members of the family conspire against him, seek to belittle or humiliate or subordinate him, don't understand him, or stymie his growth. The abuser usually finally gets what he wants – his kids detach and abandon him to his great sorrow, but also to his great relief.
AUTHOR BIO
Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited
and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East.
He served as a columnist for Global Politician, Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United
Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories
in The Open Directory and Suite101.
Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com
| what would you do if you knew this little girl |
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| was watching her father hit her mother every night? |
Issues
The Parents of Neglected and Abused Children We often ask the question: Why does one parent abuse and neglect his or her child when another doesn't? It appears that most parents who abuse or neglect their children have been abused and neglected themselves.
Studies
indicate that many abusive parents have one or more of the following characteristics:
· They were abused themselves or subjected to over-harsh discipline
· Many had experienced early separation from their own
parents.
· They had a basic mistrust
/ inability to trust
· They show an inability to form deep emotional relationships
· They married in adolescence, often to a partner with
similar problems
· They became parents
at an early age
· Many abusive parents come from one parent families or step families
· There are many marital problems and often many children
in the family
· These families are typically isolated and there's often mental illness and depression in these families.
click here to get more information concerning abuse.
Starting work with troubled
children
The child
care worker learns particular skills to work objectively with such children. This doesn't mean working coldly or indifferently, but with circumspection and maximum information as to what will build strengths and resources within the child.
Your
organization may have considerable material resources, but the child and his family may have to learn to manage their lives
with far less and you have to help them to do that.
Despite
the strong feelings of sympathy and concern you may have for these children, or your equally strong feelings of anger at the parents of the children, you need to remember the following:
· As a child care worker
you can never replace the child’s parent
· Your task includes not
only caring for the child but supporting and strengthening the child’s relationship with his parents.
· Approximately 80% of the children in care will return to their parents before they turn 18 or after that birthday
· Never imagine that "Out
of sight, out of mind" will help a child forget parents and home. The child may be physically separated from his parents for
a time, but emotionally he is still deeply entwined with them.
·
Remember
that you're not working with a child but with a family and that it's difficult to make progress with a child if the parents
are not also included both in your consideration and in the treatment plan. This remains one of the greatest challenges in child and youth care practice.
Conclusion: The English psychiatrist Eva Frommer
reminds us that for children in care, both function & development have been impaired.
That is, there are immediate problems & blocks to be tackled to
restore adequate function, so that development can be set on its course again.
A
basic principle of life is that we need to be constantly growing or developing. If you're not growing you're, in fact, declining;
there's no such thing as just standing still.
This
principle is very important in child care. Workers need to be well informed on the subject of child development & the program in the agency or organization should always be
designed in such a way that it actively promotes physical, social, intellectual, emotional & spiritual growth in the children. From: Gannon, B. & Beukes, K (1996) An Orientation
to Child Youth Care. Cape Town: NACCW
a
mouse in need
Dear
Curt,
I'm writing this
letter while my wife (let's call her, The Dictator) is asleep. You'll have to forgive me if I make this a short one, but I'm too scared of the consequences of her finding out that I'm trying to communicate with the outside world.
Curt,
I don't know where to start, but I'm scared; I'm really scared of my wife. I've been married for 3 years now and I have to say that I've been living a nightmare
from the start.
My
wife has taken complete control of my life. I can no longer go outside for a breath of fresh air unless I'm accompanied by The
Dictator herself or her mother, who's currently living with us.
Everything
I do is looked upon with suspicion. I've lost all my friends except for those who're married and have submitted a detailed profile of their
lifestyle to her, in order to obtain approval to hang out with me.
I
haven't seen my paycheck in years. Heck! I don't even know how much I earn anymore. She deposits every single dime
I bring home into a "mystery" bank account, with the exception of a weekly allowance of $10 to
spend when I go out with the "pre-approved" friends.
I haven't eaten a piece of meat
(oh how I miss my mother's fine T-bone steak w/mashed potatoes)
since the day before our wedding. Apparently, I've become a vegetarian too.
I have no say in any purchases
made by my wife. i.e., the car she drives me to work with, a convertible blue GEO, was purchased without my consultation.
For crying out loud, it's a convertible
blue GEO! As for the home we live in, well, I didn't even know I owned a home
until the day she asked me to rent a truck & take the day off in order to move the furniture,
while she went out shopping for fresh flowers.
It's come to the point where
I'm fed up. I love my wife & I don't want to leave her. Help Curt! What can I do to balance things out somewhat? I hope this letter gets to you on time. Uh, oh! She's awake. Oh G-d, please no,
not the belt...
Jimmy the Mouse
emotional abuse
Threats
Does he threaten to leave you?
Has he said he'll go crazy or kill himself if you
leave?
Does he say he will kill you or beat you if you
don't obey?
domestic violence
whipped
to a pulp
Some
men will do anything for their women. Unfortunately, women will see this as a sign of weakness. And then before a man knows
it, his woman will be wearing the pants in the relationship.
Jimmy's an example (albeit an extreme example) of what
can happen to most men who let their women make the rules.
Unfortunately
for Jimmy, there's not much he can do, he's whipped. Yes, we've all heard it. The dreaded seven letter word whipped.
And
believe it or not, if you're not careful w/how you behave w/your love, you too might be the next man who's cat-whipped to a pulp.
When
it comes to relationships, the ideal situation involves communication & equal partaking in both the decision-making &
responsibilities. But this isn't the case w/most couples.
In
general, it's usually one spouse who ultimately takes control. This is why I highly recommend that you wear the pants before your wife does.
Otherwise, before you know it, you'll be wearing a skirt around the house while dusting the furniture.
I
believe that it's the man's fine duty to control the decision-making process of all family related
decisions or at least pretend he does. Why? Because like it or not, it is probably the only thing left in life that we
men can still lay claim to.
Once
you lose it, you no longer have anything to look forward to. Who really has the
final say?
yikees! who let this guy give advice?:(
Studies show that there's usually no argument
before a beating.
The actions of the woman have little to do w/ the actions of the
man. In most cases, the wife will try very hard not to do or say anything that might "upset" the abusive
husband.
This myth, that women entice violence w/ their own actions, accepts the idea that the man is justified in using violence to get his own way, "teach her a lesson," or solve a problem.
It transfers the
blame from the abuser to the victim.
from DiscoveryHealth.com: the web links in this article will
take you thru various Discovery Health Encyclopedia pages!
abuse of spouse or partner
By
Karl M. Jacobs, MD
Abuse of spouse or partner occurs when one partner attempts to harm the other in a relationship in
which the 2 people are dating, married, or living together. A recent study of girls in 9th thru 12th grade found that 1 out of 5 girls was physically &/or sexually abused by a dating partner.
Abuse can take different forms, i.e.:
It can also include
making a partner do sexual acts that he or she finds degrading. Forcing a woman to risk pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease is another form of sexual abuse.
What are the signs and symptoms of the injury?
The physical signs
of spousal abuse can include:
The emotional signs of abuse aren't as easy to see. The victim may have these traits:
What are the causes and risks of the injury?
Spousal
abuse happens to people of all religions, ethnic origins, and income levels. It happens in both
man-woman and same-sex relationships. Women are the victims of domestic violence in 9 out
of 10 cases, most often when they're between the ages of 19 and 29.
Recent studies
show a man is more likely to abuse his spouse or partner if he has been violent in the past. A partnership also
has a higher chance of becoming violent if one or more of the following risk factors are present.
-
At least one
partner has committed child abuse before
-
-
At least one
partner has problems with drug abuse or addiction.
-
At least one
partner is a blue-collar worker
-
At least one
partner is between the ages of 18 and 30
-
At least one
partner is unemployed
-
Each partner
has a different religion
-
The couple lives
together but are unmarried
-
The couple has
poor living conditions
-
The male partner
saw his father hit his mother.
When 2 of these
factors are present in a relationship, the risk of violence doubles. A couple with 7 or more
of these risk factors is 40 times more likely to have an abusive relationship.
Experts know that
teens who've been abused are at higher risk for other health problems. However, we don't yet know whether the health problems came before the abuse or if the abuse increased the risk for the health problems.
These problems include:
What can be done to prevent the injury?
The best way to
prevent abuse is to teach children how to solve problems without using violence. Teenagers
and young adults should be taught that it's never OK to abuse a partner. Parents and doctors should provide teens with facts and statistics about dating violence. The teens should be given specific information about behaviors that are part of dating violence. They should be encouraged to discuss any issues or concerns with a parent or other trusted adult.
Since health concerns such as cocaine use are associated with a higher risk for
partner abuse, doctors should address dating violence when treating teens with these health concerns. Careful screening can help identify at-risk teens and provide a chance to stop the abuse cycle.
As citizens, we
can also help prevent the cycle of abuse in our society by pushing for these measures.
-
Make sure judges
and police enforce domestic violence laws. This tells abusers
that their actions have consequences. It also helps victims feel safer about reporting their abuse.
-
Provide shelters
and other support programs that enable victims to leave an unsafe home and avoid further abuse.
-
-
-
Train doctors
to ask the person they're treating about abuse if they suspect it. They also need to be trained to keep careful records of any physical evidence of abuse.
How is the injury recognized?
There aren't always
physical signs of spousal abuse. While cuts and bruises may cause suspicion, emotional symptoms may not. Victims of abuse are often too afraid to report the abuse. An jealous partner who is controlling or hostile in public may be a signal to others that there's abuse. When a friend, family member, or
caregiver suspects abuse, he or she should ask about it and offer to help.
What are the treatments for the injury?
Victims who are
physically hurt may need treatment for their injuries. Counseling and psychiatric treatment for any victim of
abuse may prevent long-term effects. This treatment may include:
The abuser may need help in the following ways:
What are the side effects of the treatments?
Antidepressants
called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors or SSRIs are often used to treat symptoms of depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder, which is also called PTSD. The most common side effects are:
Some people also
become more anxious or irritable. Others may develop sexual problems, such as erectile dysfunction.
None of the side
effects are long-lasting. Within weeks of starting an SSRI, most people can tolerate the side effects they have. For other
people, side effects go away. When they're constant and uncomfortable, a change in the medicine or dosage or the addition of another medicine often helps.
What happens after treatment for the injury?
If antidepressants
are used, it may take a few weeks to a month for the full effect to be felt by the person taking them.
Long-term effects
can include PTSD. In this case, this disorder is a result of physical, mental, or sexual violence. The victim may have the following conditions:
Even if the victim
doesn't suffer from PTSD, he or she may have other long-term effects, such as:
Studies show that
half of men who abuse their partners also abuse their children. Abused mothers often have trouble holding jobs. They also need welfare more often. This means that children from abusive homes are at a greater risk of being poor and homeless.
Local, state and
federal agencies, including police and social services, keep spousal abuse statistics. Many foundations, such as the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and the
American Bar Association, also monitor abuse. Local agencies that receive reports of abuse from healthcare workers and other sources investigate and track high-risk families.
| what kind of role model is this toddler's father? |
|
|
| he is yelling at his wife and toddler the whole time he's home! |
The Gradations of Abuse
By
Sam Vaknin
Somehow, the professional literature implies that there's a hierarchy
with sexual mistreatment at its nadir (na·dir: the
lowest point; point of greatest adversity or despair). It's rare to hear about a
dissociative identity disorder ("multiple personality") that's the outcome of constant oral humiliation in early childhood.
But it's thought to be a common response to egregious (e·gre·gious:
extraordinary in some bad way; glaring; flagrant) sexual molestation of infants and to other forms
of deviance and perversions with minors.
Yet, these distinctions are spurious. One's
mental space is as important to one's healthy development and proper adult functioning as one's body. Indeed. the damage in sexual
abuse is hardly corporeal. It's the psychological intrusion, coercion and the demolition of nascent (nas·cent: beginning to exist or develop) boundaries of the self that inflict the most damage.
Abuse is a form of long-term torture usually inflicted
by one's nearest and dearest. It's a grievous violation of trust and it leads to disorientation, fear, depression and suicidal ideation. It generates aggression in the abused and this overwhelming and all-pervasive emotion metastasizes and transforms into pathological envy, violence, rage and hatred.
The abused are deformed by the abuser
both overtly - many develop mental health disorders and dysfunctional behaviors - and more perniciously, covertly. The abuser, like some kind of alien life form, invades
and colonizes the victim's mind and becomes a permanent presence. Abused and abuser never cease the dialog of hurt, recrimination and glib denial or rationalization that's an integral part of the act.
In a way, psychological
abuse – emotional & verbal – is harder to "erase" and "deprogram".
Words resonate and reverberate, pain resurfaces, narcissistic wounds keep opening. The victims proceeds to pay with stunted growth and recurrent failure for his own earlier degradation and objectification.
Social attitudes don't help. While sexual and physical abuse are slowly coming to the open and being
recognized as the scourges that they are – psychological abuse is still largely ignored. It's difficult to draw a line between strict discipline and verbal harassment. Abusers
find refuge in the general disdain for the weak and the vulnerable which is the result of suppressed collective guilt. The "good intentions" defense is still going strong.
The professional community is no less to blame. Emotional and verbal abuse are perceived & analyzed in "relative" terms – not
as the absolute evils that they are. Cultural and moral relativism mean tat many aberrant and deplorable behavior patterns
are justified based on bogus cultural "sensitivities" and malignant political correctness.
Some scholars
even go as far as blaming the victim for his or her maltreatment (the discipline is known as victimology).
My abusive husband made me believe we were
broke. He demanded I hand over my paycheck every week and he continued to dwell on the fact that we didn't have enough money
for anything extra - even clothes, toiletries, sports extras for the children - absolutely anything extra was forbidden. I
felt so horrible that I was denying my children things they needed, after all, he had coerced me into forgoing my child support
from my ex-husband so we could move out of state - assuring me he would take care of us. I was so convinced that we were on
the brink of financial disaster, I didn't even dare buy tampons or pads for my period. I'd layer toilet paper, paper towels,
and sometimes old clothes, cut up, for my period. Then I'd have the additional worry of leaking or bleeding through and disposing
of whatever I'd used.
One day he decided he needed a break from our marriage and moved out leaving
me with three children, all of the bills and offered no money. He needed a break to go live with a single guy - to date women
- he had warned me after all....
I'll love you more if you just lose 10 more pounds.
He had been stashing money in a private bank account. The bank statement was
sent to me in the mail after he left.
Abuse is a Personal Issue
source site: abuse is a personal issue
The
other night I caught myself watching television commercials again. (Yes, yes. I must admit
that I do place my slovenly self in front of the tube.) It’s not that I like commercials; it’s
just that when I’m in the midst of a program they seem to sneak up on me and drag me along, seducing me casually into
the marketing world of fantasy and make believe.
Well,
anyway, there I was watching T.V. And then this commercial came on. You’ve probably seen the one I’m referring
to. In a large golden summer field a young child runs playfully with his bouncing dog, laughing and cavorting in the world of childhood innocence.
This
little boy and his dog are selling soap, or toilet paper or some such thing. (Whatever
they’re selling, my bet is they are oblivious to it in their real world away from T.V.)
I found myself drifting away from the commercial and
wishing that all children could experience that kind of innocence. Yet I found myself knowing that they couldn’t.
More
than ever, the notion of childhood innocence seems to be a sad lie perpetuated by those who'd use the images of our childhood fantasies to seduce
us into acquiring things that we never knew we needed.
And
I was struck with sadness. For is it not sad that the innocence of childhood, the time of freedom from hurt and concern is now only a myth?
For
now we teach our children to be fearful, to be careful and to wander through the world, not with open eyes of childhood innocence, but rather with the narrowed vision of suspicion and self protection.
I’ve
worked with troubled children for over 20 years and I’ve noticed that the longer
you work with troubled children the more narrow your vision becomes. After
a while you begin to think that all children must be troubled. To compensate for this most of us find ways to have an experience of non-troubled
children that will help us keep our perspective. I used to watch children at play.
Behind
my house there's a large schoolyard where children of all different ethnic backgrounds gather together to play out their childhood
patterns of socialization and development. When I first moved here about 6 years ago, I used to hang over the back fence
and watch them.
I'd
see how children in a normal setting interacted with one another and that would help me keep a broader perspective when I
watched the children play at work.
One
morning while I was doing this, a cup of coffee in my hand, I let my eyes wander across the playing field and I noticed the
adult monitors watching me. I suddenly realized that they were probably thinking something like:
"What’s
that guy doing over there?"
or
"Keep
an eye on that character."
I
moved away from the fence quickly, realizing that it would be hard to explain to them that I was there because I like
to watch children; that watching kids play helped me in my work with other, more troubled, youngsters. And then I realized that there are things I can no longer do.
I
can no longer watch the children in the park when I'm alone. I can no longer talk to strange children or pick up a ball and play catch with the child of someone I don’t know.
I realize
that I'm becoming paranoid and it makes me angry. For those of us who are male in this society, the outcome of the fact that so many children have been abused - that the innocence of childhood has been destroyed - is that we too are losing out on some of our freedoms.
And
it’s not only me who’s becoming paranoid. Think of the new paranoia that has engulfed parents as they question the babysitters for their children. Or the paranoia of parents
as they wonder who’s teaching football this summer. Or the paranoia of children as we teach them to be cautious (for we have no choice) as they wander through the world. I wonder how
this will affect us all in the future and what kind of a world our children’s children will live in.
When
I was a kid growing up, I knew who the "Evil Ones" were. At least, I thought I did. My parents taught me about them, just like your parents taught you. The Evil Ones were the strange old men who lived
down the road and hung over the fence offering us candy as we wandered to school in the morning.
The
Evil One was the suspicious looking man who hung around the school yard in a long trench coat, flashing it open at opportune moments to expose himself to our unsuspecting eyes.
We
used to have posters of them in our school and we'd be warned about them. But somehow we knew that they were few and
far between. It seemed that every community had one; but it was only one.
But
now we know that those weren’t the only "Evil Ones" in our community. It turns out that the Evil One may be the nice man who lives next door, or the school teacher, or the priest, or your favorite uncle, or your father;
even your husband.
It
turns out that the Evil One isn’t necessarily even a man - sometimes the Evil One is a woman.
We've
come to the point in our society where we now know that it’s hard to trust anyone with our children. Abuse is a personal thing and it’s destroying the world we live in.
I
used to believe that I lived in a world that cared about children: not just troubled children, but all children. I could point to things like child labor laws, mandatory education, or family allowances and speak proudly about how our country cared about its children. Now I don’t feel that way anymore. And I wonder, who is it that’s caring for our children?
Surely
it’s not our governments who still support the removal of children from their families, from their communities and from their cultures, in the name of treatment.
Surely
it’s not the social service that removes children from their homes when it's the child who is the victim. Surely it
isn't the legal system that allows offenders to walk the streets looking for new victims after a relatively short period of
punishment, without treatment.
Surely
it isn't those agencies that are more concerned with their own survival than they are with the quality of treatment they deliver. Surely it’s not those workers who
are more concerned about job security than about the children with whom they work.
And
surely it’s not the organizations who protect workers when they abuse children.
As
I look around me in this supposedly caring society, wondering who is caring for our children, I realize that I have other questions.
How
much money does it cost to build a fighter plane and how many troubled children could we
help for the same amount?
How
much money does it cost to be elected leader of a political party and how many abused children
could be helped to overcome their pain for the same amount of money?
How
much money does it cost to keep a person in prison and why is it that the government seems willing to spend more to imprison
criminals than treat troubled children?
How
much money does it cost to identify, arrest, charge, try and house a child molester and why aren’t we willing to spend
as much money to treat the victims?
And
then I realize that I have the answers; I know that you and I are responsible for the way the world is today. We can't blame the school boards, or the politicians, or the police, or the educators, or the elected
officials, or anyone else you care to name.
Because
it’s you and I who elected the politicians; it’s you and I who allow the violent cartoons to be shown on
Saturday morning; it’s you and I who allow the legal system to continue to operate the way it does and ultimately, it's you and I who turn our heads
and pretend not to see when a neighbor, or a friend, or a member of our family abuses one
of our children.
The
abuse of children is a very personal thing indeed.
Every generation has the opportunity to influence the future and how it will be. This is our time.
Now is your chance. It may be the only chance we get. If we, you and I, don't act in responsible ways then we may lose our chance to stop the continuing slaughter of our children and of childhood.
I
know that it’s important to have facts, like how many children are abused each year. I think it’s also important to analyze the reasons why abuse occurs and not to over-react.
But
I think we're being far too rational, logical and calm in our reaction to the abuse of our children. For more important than all the understanding, the analysis, the statistical variation and the empathy, more important than all of this, is to stop the behavior of the abuser.
I
want people to stop abusing our children. I want the beating and the rape and the slaughter
of little boys and girls to stop. I want it to stop now, not tomorrow, not next year, not sometime in the future. Now.
I
don’t want to be understanding anymore. I don’t want to be calm, logical and professional. I don’t want to be empathetic with the abuser anymore. I’m too tired. This calm is wearing me down.
This
approach isn't working. The statistics aren't decreasing.
I
believe there comes a time when everyone must stand up for what they believe. If you believe that it's time to stop abusing our children, then the time for you to act is now. It's
time for you to stand up in your society, in your community and in your family.
It's
time to stand up and say: "No! You can't abuse our children any longer. We've had enough!"
We
must stand up and say no. We must say no to the continued abuse of our children. We must
say no to removing our children from their homes when it's they who are the victims.
We
must say no to returning abusers untreated to our communities and we must say no to this
continuing conspiracy of silence which allows the cycle to continue.
For
there's only one way that this escalating horror in our country will ever stop. It's, if
you and I, as individual members of our community, assume our responsibility for the way the world is and finally, despite all the fear and anxiety it provokes, stand up and say no.
The
abuse of our children is a personal thing and we, as individuals, as child and youth care
professionals, must take it personally. For it’s only when we make it personal that it'll stop.
Abuse is so emotional. It's a huge essence of power and energy that is always
in motion throughout your mind and your body. It takes so much energy to simply cope with the present moment that you can't think about what happened yesterday or what will happen tomorrow. It's all consuming at times. It's simply a matter of surviving
for most victims.
The Guilt of the Abused - Pathologizing the Victim
By Sam Vaknin
It's telling that precious few psychology and psychopathology textbooks dedicate an entire chapter to abuse and violence. Even the most egregious manifestations – such as child sexual abuse – merit a fleeting mention, usually as a sub-chapter in a larger section dedicated to paraphilias or personality
disorders.
Abusive behavior didn't make it into the diagnostic
criteria of mental health disorders, nor were its psychodynamic, cultural and social roots explored in depth. As a result
of this deficient education and lacking awareness, most law enforcement officers, judges, counselors, guardians and mediators are worryingly ignorant about the phenomenon.
Only 4% of hospital emergency room
admissions of women in the United States are attributed by staff to domestic violence. The
true figure, according to the FBI, is more like 50%.
1 in 3 murdered women was done in by her spouse, current or former.
The US Department of Justice pegs the number of spouses (mostly
women) threatened with a deadly weapon at almost 2 million annually. Domestic violence
erupts in a mind-boggling 1/2 of all American homes at least once a year. Nor are these isolated, "out of the blue", incidents.
Mistreatment and violence are part of an enduring pattern of maladaptive behavior within
the relationship and are sometimes coupled with substance abuse.
Abusers
are:
Invariably, both the abuser and his
victim seek to conceal the abusive episodes and their aftermath from family, friends, neighbors,
or colleagues.
This dismal state of things is an abuser's
and stalker's paradise. This is especially true with psychological (verbal and emotional)
abuse which leaves no visible marks and renders the victim incapable of coherence.
Still, there's no "typical" offender. Maltreatment crosses racial,
cultural, social and economic lines. This is because, until very recently, abuse has
constituted normative, socially-acceptable and sometimes, condoned, behavior. For the bulk of human history, women and children were considered no better than
property.
Indeed, well into the 18th century, they still made it into lists of assets
and liabilities of the household. Early legislation in America – fashioned after European law, both Anglo-Saxon and
Continental – permitted wife battering for the purpose of behavior modification.
The circumference of the stick used, specified the statute, shouldn't exceed that of the husband's
thumb.
Inevitably, many victims blame themselves for the dismal state of affairs. The abused party may have:
-
-
-
-
-
-
a
disability
-
-
or
a tendency to blame herself
-
She may have come from an abusive family or environment –
which conditioned her to expect abuse as inevitable and "normal". In extreme and rare cases – the victim is a masochist, possessed of an urge to seek ill-treatment
and pain.
Gradually, the victims convert these unhealthy emotions and their learned helplessness in the face of persistent "gaslighting" into psychosomatic symptoms, anxiety and panic attacks, depression, or, in extremes, suicidal ideation and gestures.
From the Narcissistic Personality Disorders list
– excerpt from my book "Toxic Relationships – Abuse & its Aftermath" (November 2005):
Therapists, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers and judges are human. Some of them
are social reactionaries, others are narcissists and a few are themselves spouse abusers.
Many things work against the victim facing the justice system and the psychological profession.
Start with denial. Abuse is such a horrid phenomenon that society and its delegates often choose
to ignore it or to convert it into a more benign manifestation, typically by pathologizing the situation or the victim – rather
than the perpetrator.
A man's home is still his castle and the authorities are loath
to intrude.
Most abusers are men and most victims are
women. Even the most advanced communities in the world are largely patriarchal. Misogynistic gender stereotypes, superstitions
and prejudices are strong.
Therapists aren't immune to these ubiquitous and age-old influences and biases.
They're amenable
to the considerable charm, persuasiveness and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian skills.
The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor.
The therapist rarely has a chance to witness an abusive exchange first hand and at close quarters.
In contrast, the abused are often on the verge of a nervous
breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive and hysterical.
Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled and suave abuser and his harried casualties – it's easy to reach the conclusion that the real victim
is the abuser, or that both parties abuse each other equally.
The prey's acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, liability, or a mental health problem.
The profession's propensity to pathologize
extends to the wrongdoers as well. Alas, few therapists are equipped to do proper clinical work, including diagnosis.
Abusers are thought by practitioners of psychology to be emotionally disturbed, the twisted outcomes of a history of familial violence and childhood traumas. They're typically diagnosed as suffering from a personality disorder, an inordinately low self-esteem, or codependence coupled with an all-devouring fear of abandonment.
Consummate abusers use the right vocabulary
and feign the appropriate "emotions" and affect and thus, sway the evaluator's judgment.
But
while the victim's "pathology" works against her – especially in custody battles – the culprit's "illness"
works for him, as a mitigating circumstance, especially in criminal proceedings.
In his
seminal essay, "Understanding the Batterer in Visitation and Custody Disputes", Lundy Bancroft sums up the asymmetry
in favor of the offender:
"Batterers ... adopt the role of a hurt, sensitive man
who doesn't understand how things got so bad and just wants to work it all out 'for the good of the children.' He may cry
... and use language that demonstrates considerable insight into his own feelings.
He is likely to be skilled at explaining how other people have turned the victim against him and
how she is denying him access to the children as a form of revenge ... He commonly accuses her of having mental health problems
and may state that her family and friends agree with him ... that she is hysterical and that she is promiscuous.
The abuser tends to be comfortable lying, having years of practice
and so can sound believable when making baseless statements. The abuser benefits ... when
professionals believe that they can "just tell" who is lying and who is telling the truth and so fail to adequately investigate.
Because of the effects of trauma, the victim of battering will often seem hostile, disjointed
and agitated, while the abuser appears friendly, articulate and calm. Evaluators are thus tempted to
conclude that the victim is the source of the problems in the relationship."
There is little
the victim can do to "educate" the therapist or "prove" to him who is the guilty party. Mental health professionals are as
ego-centered as the next person. They are emotionally invested in opinions they form or in their interpretation of the abusive relationship.
They perceive every disagreement as a challenge to their authority and are likely to pathologize
such behavior, labeling it "resistance" (or worse).
In the process of mediation, marital therapy, or evaluation, counselors frequently propose various techniques
to ameliorate the abuse or bring it under control. Woe betides the party that dares object or turn these "recommendations"
down.
Thus, an abuse victim who declines to have any further contact
with her batterer – is bound to be chastised by her therapist for obstinately refusing to constructively communicate
with her violent spouse.
Better to play ball and adopt the sleek mannerisms of your
abuser. Sadly, sometimes the only way to convince your therapist that it isn't all in your
head and that you are a victim – is by being insincere and by staging a well-calibrated performance, replete with the
correct vocabulary.
Therapists have Pavlovian reactions to certain phrases and theories and to certain "presenting signs and symptoms" (behaviors during the first few sessions). Learn these – and use them to your advantage.
It's your only chance.
Appendix - Why Good People Ignore Abuse
Why do good people - church-goers, pillars of the community, the salt of the earth - ignore abuse and neglect, even when it's on their doorstep and in their proverbial backyard (i.e., in hospitals, orphanages, shelters, prisons and the like)?
I.
Lack of Clear Definition
Perhaps because the word "abuse"
is so ill-defined and so open to culture-bound interpretation.
We should distinguish
functional abuse from the sadistic variety. The former is calculated to ensure outcomes
or to punish transgressors. It is measured, impersonal, efficient and disinterested.
The
latter - the sadistic variety - fulfills the emotional needs of the perpetrator.
This distinction is often blurred. People feel uncertain and
therefore, reluctant to intervene. "The authorities know best" - they lie to themselves.
II.
Avoiding the Unpleasant
People, good people, tend to avert their eyes from certain
institutions which deal with anomalies and pain, death and illness - the unsavory aspects of life which no one likes
to be reminded of.
Like poor relatives, these institutions and events inside them
are ignored and shunned.
III. The Common Guilt
Moreover, even good people abuse others
habitually. Abusive conduct is so widespread that no one is exempt. Ours is a narcissistic
- and therefore, abusive - civilization.
People
who find themselves caught up in anomic states - (a·no·mic: Socially unstable,
alienated, and disorganized)
i.e.,
-
tend to feel helpless and alienated. They experience a partial or total loss of control.
They're rendered vulnerable, powerless and defenseless by events and circumstances beyond their influence.
Abuse amounts to exerting an
absolute and all-pervasive domination of the victim's existence. It's a coping strategy employed by the abuser who wishes to reassert control over his life and thus, to re-establish his mastery and superiority.
By subjugating the victim - he regains his self-confidence and regulate his sense of self-worth.
sub·ju·gate: to bring under complete control or subjection;
conquer; master
IV. Abuse as Catharsis: (ca·thar·sis: psychotherapy that encourages or permits the discharge of pent-up, socially unacceptable affects)
Even perfectly "normal" and good people (witness
the events in the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq) channel their negative emotions - pent up aggression, humiliation, rage, envy, diffuse hatred - and displace them.
The victims of abuse
become symbols of everything that's wrong in the abuser's life and the situation he finds
himself caught in. The act of abuse amounts to misplaced
and violent venting.
V. The Wish to Conform and Belong - The Ethics of Peer Pressure (teen's peer pressure-click here)
Many "good people" perpetrate heinous
acts - or refrain from criticizing or opposing evil - out of a wish to conform. Abusing
others is their way of demonstrating obsequious obeisance to authority, group affiliation, colleagueship and adherence to
the same ethical code of conduct and common values.
They bask in the praise that is heaped on them by their superiors, fellow workers, associates,
team mates, or collaborators.
Their need to belong is so strong that it overpowers ethical, moral, or legal considerations. They remain silent in the face of neglect, abuse and atrocities because they feel insecure and they derive their identity almost entirely from the group.
Abuse rarely occurs
where it doesn't have the sanction and blessing of the authorities, whether local or national. A permissive environment is
sine qua non. The more abnormal the circumstances, the less normative the milieu, the further the scene of the crime is from public scrutiny - the more is egregious abuse likely to occur.
e·gre·gious: extraordinary in some bad way; glaring; flagrant
This acquiescence is especially true in totalitarian societies where the use of physical force
to discipline or eliminate dissent is an acceptable practice. But, unfortunately, it's also rampant in democratic societies.
ac·qui·es·cence: the act or condition of acquiescing or giving tacit assent;
agreement or consent by silence or without objection; compliance
source: click here
In resolving old hurts and emotions and feelings, while trying to re-establish
a relationship with my grown daughter some years ago - she asked me, "Mom, how could you just stand
by and let him slap me so hard across the face?" She was so hurt. "Why didn't you protect
me? It's a mother's job to protect her children!" She was so upset still, in her twenties over what had happened in
her early childhood with her step-father.
I remembered it. Standing in horror, like a lifeless dummy, just standing there
allowing it to happen, but I couldn't speak out or stop him. He was big, strong and had me so emotionally devastated that
I just couldn't speak out. This was happening after years of abuse - mostly psychological, or emotional.
If you are a mother of children who are being abused by your husband - get out
of the relationship! Go to a domestic violence shelter and get out for good. Never go back. Your children will never forgive
you or will have difficulty forgiving you for allowing them to be abused. It's your responsibility.
Effects of Domestic Violence on Children and Teenagers (article goes with the list of symptoms bottom right hand column)
Referring to this article:
"Domestic Violence: An Overview" was written
by C. J. Newton, MA, Learning Specialist and published in the Find Counseling.com (formerly TherapistFinder.net) Mental Health
Journal in February, 2001.
Use or reference to this article on the Internet must be accompanied by a link to the page
you cite. - click here for the source site!
Estimates are that more than 3.3 million children are exposed to physical and verbal spousal
abuse each year. 14 Exposure means seeing or hearing the actual abuse or dealing with the aftermath
of the abuse.
When describing
the effects of domestic violence on children, it's important to note that domestic violence and child abuse are often
present in the same families.
"In
homes where domestic violence occurs, children are physically abused and neglected at a rate 15 times higher than the national average.
Several studies have shown that in 60% to 75% of families in which a woman is battered, children are also battered." 14
In addition, children
living in households where domestic violence is occurring are at a higher
risk for sexual abuse.
The effects of
witnessing or experiencing violence at home vary tremendously from one child to another. The attributes that give a child
the greatest chance of surviving unscathed are "average or above-average intellectual development with good attention and
interpersonal skills.
Also feelings of self-esteem and self-efficacy, attractiveness to others in both personality and appearance, individual talents, religious affiliations,
socioeconomic advantage, opportunities for good schooling and employment and contact with people and environments that are positive for development." 14
Many children in families
where domestic violence has occurred appeared to be "parentified." They're forced
to grow up faster than their peers, often taking on the responsibility of cooking, cleaning and caring for younger children.
Laura Gillberg, MSW, is the
child and adolescent program director at Sarah's Inn, an agency in Oak Park, Illinois. She stated, "Many of these children weren't allowed to have a real childhood. They don't trust their fathers because of his role as an abuser and they may have been worried about what
to expect when coming home. They learned at a young age to be prepared for anything."
Children may also be isolated. Typical activities such as having friends over to their house may be impossible due to the chaotic atmosphere. "Kids
aren't going to have their friends over when mom has a black eye." However, school performance isn't always obviously
affected. Children may respond by being overachievers.
| are you aggressive? |
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| was there abuse in your past? |
Gillberg noticed that children
in domestic violence tend to be either extremely introverted or extremely extroverted. Psychosomatic problems (aches & pains for no apparent reason) are common; these children's eating and sleeping patterns tend to be disrupted.
Children who witness
domestic violence can develop behavior problems, including aggression and violent outbursts.
Underlying all these "symptoms"
of domestic violence are children's emotional responses: i.e.
which can stifle emotional and social development. To learn and grow into a healthy adult, children must feel confident in the world and in themselves. Domestic violence can wipe out a child's confidence and leave them shocked.
Infants and toddlers
who witness violence show:
Preschool children
may develop enuresis and speech disfluencies, such as stuttering.
"Exposure to
trauma, especially family violence, interferes
with a child's normal development of trust and later exploratory behaviors, which lead to the development of autonomy."
14
Being a teenager is difficult,
as most of us remember. But being a teenager and living in a house infected with domestic violence can have devastating, life-long effects.
Teens living with domestic violence face the unique problem of trying to fit in with their peers while keeping their home life a secret.
Teens in shelters often face
the problem of having to move and begin school in a new place, having to make new friends while feeling the shame of living in a shelter.
Needless to say, their family
relationships can be strained to the breaking point. The result can be teens who never learn to form trusting, lasting relationships, or teens who end up in violent relationships themselves.
In addition, teens face the
same issues as younger children in an abusive family, namely feeling lonely and isolated, growing up too fast, behavior problems, stress related medical and mental health problems and school problems.
Teenagers are also faced with
entering into the dating world for the first time. They're formulating their own theories about relationships and some may not have the best models on which to base a healthy relationship.
They've witnessed the cycle of violence with the abuse, apologies from the perpetrator, tensions building and more abuse.
Unfortunately, some teenagers
may be faced with a higher risk of being victims of dating violence and as mentioned earlier, ending up in violent relationships as adults either as victims or abusers.
Recovered memories of childhood abuse
- By Jane Rowan
Why are memories of abuse so often hidden? This is a really hard question for people in recovery from abuse, for therapists and for researchers. In my case, I didn’t recognize one of my early childhood memories as a memory of abuse until I was in my 50's.
Then physical memories
started to come back to me, memories that led me to know my father had sexually abused me. How could such a big betrayal remain hidden in the back corners of a psyche for years and years? Can we really believe memories that have been hidden so long?
It’s very common for survivors of
childhood sexual abuse to suppress the memories. (Studies say from 30% to 60% of survivors experience loss of
memories of abuse.) When the memories come back up, they're often in fragmentary
form - a touch, a feeling of nausea, a smell, a fraction of a scene. This fragmentation has a physiological cause.
The stress hormones released during frightening events suppress the hippocampus, a part of the brain vital for integrating memories. And of course, we don't get social reinforcement for recalling such
things - in fact, we're forbidden to speak of them and to make them real through sharing.
The book that helped me the most with the question of recovered memories was Betrayal Trauma , by Jennifer Freyd. Freyd explains that forgetting
is functional for the child because it enables her to remain in contact with the family that's essential for her survival.
The closer the relationship with the abuser, the more important it is to forget the abuse in order to keep that relationship working, problematic though
it is. Freyd found clear scientific data showing that kids whose abuse was reported to authorities
often forgot it for years. The closer the relationship to the abuser (father vs. cousin, i.e.),
the more likely the forgetting.
Isn’t that stunning? Yet it makes total sense.
I had to keep eating cornflakes every morning opposite my father and relying on him for food, learning - and yes, love. I couldn't allow myself to remember the abuse in the night.
Over time, I’ve come to believe the memories brought to me by my inner child more and more firmly. They're not as clear as “Kodak moments,” but they're true.
The Mind Of The Abuser
By Sam
Vaknin
To embark on our exploration of the abusive mind, we first need to agree on a taxonomy of abusive behaviors. Methodically observing abuse is the surest way of getting to know the perpetrators.
Abusers
appear to be suffering from dissociation (multiple personality).
dissociation: the splitting off of a group of mental processes from the main body of consciousness, as in amnesia
or certain forms of hysteria.
Why this duplicity?
duplicity: deceitfulness in speech or conduct; speaking or acting in two different ways concerning the same matter with intent to deceive; double-dealing
It's only partly premeditated and intended to disguise the abuser's acts. More importantly, it reflects his inner world, where the
victims are nothing but two-dimensional representations, objects, devoid of emotions and needs, or mere extensions of his self.
Thus, to the abuser's mind, his quarries don't merit humane treatment, nor
do they evoke empathy.
Typically, the abuser succeeds to convert the abused into his world view. The victim – and his victimizers –
don't realize that something is wrong with the relationship. This denial is common and all-pervasive.
It permeates other spheres of the abuser's life as well. Such people are often
narcissists – steeped in grandiose fantasies, divorced from reality, besotted with their False Self, consumed by feelings of:
- omnipotence:
om·nip·o·tence - One having unlimited power or authority
- omniscience: om·nis·cience
- One having total knowledge
- entitlement:
en·ti·tle·ment - right granted by law or contract
- paranoia:
par·a·noi·a - Psychiatry. a mental disorder characterized by systematized delusions
and the projection of personal conflicts, which are ascribed to the supposed hostility of others, sometimes progressing to disturbances of consciousness and aggressive acts believed to be performed in self-defense or as a mission.
Contrary to stereotypes, both the abuser and
his prey usually suffer from disturbances in the regulation of their sense of self-worth. Low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence render the abuser – and his confabulated self – vulnerable to criticism, disagreement, exposure and adversity – real or imagined.
con·fab'u·la'tion:
Psychology To fill in gaps in one's memory with fabrications that one believes to be facts.
Abuse is bred by fear –
It's a last ditch effort to exert control – i.e., over one's spouse – by "annexing" her, "possessing" her and "punishing" her for being a separate entity, with her own boundaries, needs, feelings, preferences and dreams.
In her seminal tome, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship",
Patricia Evans lists the various forms of manipulation which together constitute verbal & emotional (psychological)
abuse:
- Withholding
(the silent treatment)
- countering
(refuting or invalidating the spouse's statements or actions)
- discounting
(putting down her emotions, possessions, experiences, hopes and fears)
- sadistic
and brutal humor
- blocking
(avoiding a meaningful exchange, diverting the conversation, changing the subject)
- blaming and accusing
- judging and criticizing
- undermining
and sabotaging
- threatening
- name calling
- forgetting
and denying
- ordering
around
- denial
abusive anger
To these we can add:
In his comprehensive essay, "Understanding the Batterer in Custody and Visitation Disputes", Lundy Bancroft
observes:
"Because of the distorted perceptions that the
abuser has of rights and responsibilities in relationships, he considers himself to be the victim. Acts of self-defense on the part of the battered
woman or the children, or efforts they make to stand up for their rights, he defines as aggression AGAINST him.
He is often highly skilled at twisting his descriptions of events to create
the convincing impression that he's been victimized. He thus accumulates grievances over the course of the relationship to the same extent that the victim does, which can lead
professionals to decide that the members of the couple abuse each other' and that the relationship
has been 'mutually hurtful'."
Yet, whatever the form of ill-treatment and cruelty – the structure of
the interaction and the roles played by abuser and victim are the same. Identifying these
patterns – and how they're influenced by prevailing social and cultural mores, values and beliefs – is a first and indispensable step towards recognizing abuse, coping with it and ameliorating its inevitable & excruciatingly agonizing aftermath.
additional definitions
for your convenience in understanding
def·a·ma·tion
Function: noun
1 : communication to 3rd parties of false statements
about a person that injure the reputation of or deter others from associating with that person —see also LIBEL, SLANDER
nar·cis·sism
n.
- Excessive love or admiration of oneself. See Synonyms at conceit.
- A psychological condition
characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy & unconscious deficits in self-esteem.
- Erotic pleasure derived from contemplation or admiration of one's own body or self, especially as a fixation on or a regression to an infantile stage of development.
- The attribute of the human psyche charactized by admiration of oneself but within normal limits.
pro·mis·cu·ous
adj.
- Having casual sexual relations
frequently with different partners; indiscriminate in the choice of sexual partners.
- Lacking standards of selection;
indiscriminate.
sur·rep·ti·tious
adj.
- Obtained, done, or made by clandestine or stealthy means.
- Acting w/or marked by stealth. See Synonyms at secret.
Many people have done the tough work of recovery from sexual abuse, whether with help in therapy or on one’s own. It challenges us to the core, but it also frees us and gives life and possibility where we once felt that we might never get through it.
For some, getting into a relationship, or continuing with one we’ve been in,
after abuse recovery is a fairly smooth process. For others, the challenge holds a range of feelings, such as the longing to be loved, mixed with uncertainty, anxiety, fear, even panic.
It often comes with a deep sense of undeserving, or the belief, "I am unlovable." Some people will go through a long period of celibacy, even after sexual abuse counseling.
Others might try dating, but find themselves repeating patterns that occurred in abusive relationships,
with their new partners.
Sometimes abuse survivors find it very difficult to be intimate, either sexually or emotionally, or both. Or they might tend to feel more like a sex object and not be recognized for who they are as a person.
"Healthy Relationships aren't only a source of fulfillment, they're where the final healing takes place."
But we can love and be loved, trust and be trusted, again. I have a number of clients who have sexual abuse history and do the work of recovery, only to discover that they feel handicapped when it comes time to be in a healthy relationship.
Yet healthy relationships aren't only a source of fulfillment, they're where the final healing of sexual abuse issues takes place. I've seen many women and men overcome their fears and build healthy and loving relationships.
While everyone is different, there are a few common themes that surface for those
with a history of abuse. For instance, it’s unlikely that one who suffered abuse was taught much about boundaries. Yet good boundaries are inherent in any healthy relationship. This comes up in a variety of ways.
For example, many couples have learned to be very careful not to say hurtful things to their partner during
a fight; they’ve learned not to be flirtatious with others if they're in an exclusive relationship. These may seem like
small concerns, but they actively maintain safety and respect, both for each other and for the integrity of the relationship. `
People without abuse history typically
recognize when another person (man or woman) is "coming onto" them inappropriately
and they have no trouble telling the "intruder," so to speak, to back off. With abuse history,
especially if the abuse was chronic, we don’t even recognize inappropriate behavior, because such behavior
was "normalized" during one’s childhood. ("I thought that was normal!")
The abuse survivor then is less likely to take steps to protect oneself and is left
with an array of feelings, including frustration, disappointment, confusion ("How come this keeps happening for me?"), anger and resignation ("All men/women are like this, they just want me for sex.")
How different it becomes when the survivor learns to recognize inappropriate behavior for what it is, use appropriate boundaries, move on and then be able to open to what we do want, a
person who is respectful, loving, honest and so on.
"As children, when our parents directly contradict our inner
voice, our intuitive knowing, we'll trust them and discount our own truth. As adults, we have to learn to trust our intuition all over again."
Another unfortunate, but repairable, side-effect
of sexual abuse is that we have often lost trust in our intuition. If our intuition told us that something that happened wasn’t right, but all the adults in our family said, "I don't
see any problem here," or "You're lying! Shame on you!" we get confused.
As children we need to trust our parents for our basic survival. When our parents say and do things that directly contradict our inner voice, our
intuitive knowing, we’ll trust mom or dad and discount ourselves.
For children, it’s safer this way. But as adults, it takes retraining to trust our intuition again. This is a gradual process, but it can be done. Once we trust our inner knowing more fully, we become confident, more empowered and more able to receive what's beneficial to us.
Love, trust, intimacy and ease aren't only possible; they're our birthright. We mustn’t allow someone else’s violation of us to impede our right to love and be loved. Thankfully, we don’t have to.
The Nurturer - Sabotager
By Jay Krunszyinsky
You love your partner very much. You want to please him at all costs. You'll go out of your way to create the perfect
life for him by reducing or eliminating all of his stress and pressures of life. What can be wrong with helping people and ensuring that peace and harmony exists wherever you go?
Isn’t this the message that religion and virtues teach us as we go through our developmental stages? The nurturer / sabotager wants to ensure that others’
needs are met but goes beyond the point of nurturing and help.
Many people that
fall in this personality type grew up in homes where there was emotional and psychological abuse present and adapted
by reducing the stress of the abusive parent by any means possible. If the abusive
parent were an addict, the child may have modified his or her behavior to match what the addict made known as what
was expected.
Many children in these situations learn to predict the wants and desires of the others that are never verbalized. The first sign of conflict sends an alert to this personality type that he or she must find ways to diffuse the conflict and create a peaceful situation. The nurturer / sabotager is validated for their efforts by having others confide in them and being reinforced for understanding other’s needs.
For many people with this personality type, they gain a sense of control of people and situations as they develop their peace-making skills. From the time they were children living in abusive and volatile family environments, they
learned what social responses reduced the anger and explosive behavior of others in the home.
Many times, the nurturer / sabotager needed to utilize lies and deception to create their concept of harmony in environments. They want to help others and possess the need to be needed. They want others to appreciate them and unconsciously place that condition on the relationship.
They need persons to agree with their viewpoints even when these views change to meet the needs of others that demonstrate hurt, frustration or anger. Changing views to meet the needs of others is how the nurturer becomes appreciated and needed. This person tells others what they want to hear to ease their hurt and sorrow.
There are times when the nurturer encounters someone that points out his inconsistent views and
messages. The nurturer / sabotager’s worst nightmare is to have other’s expose their fabrications and double standards.
Instead of the nurturer / sabotager admitting this behavioral flaw, he becomes very defensive and sometimes aggressive due to feeling attacked, betrayed and rejected.
When a person with this personality type feels rejected or unappreciated, he or she can resort to a multitude of behavior responses to sabotage or hurt another person. If this person has a power position in a family or company, he or she will create hardship for the person that is perceived as unappreciated.
The nurturer / sabotager will use different types of sanctions to demonstrate his or her negative feelings. He'll continue to sabotage the efforts of those that he finds threatening until they no longer confront his inconsistencies or leave the relationship.
Fortunately and
unfortunately, you find many persons in the helping professions with this personality type. Wanting to help others and feel needed aren't bad personality traits in of themselves. Persons that all into this personality type have a dark side surface when people at home, work, or in the community begin to confront the deceptive behavior and conditions that are placed on the relationship.
Not everyone with this personality type demonstrates unhealthy relationship patterns. Many people help and nurture others in healthy ways. What determines
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